For my Daddy.

I wrote this a few nights ago...when the topic was weighing heavy on my heart. I wrote until I could barely make sense of words any more. And while it may not be the best thing I have ever written, it is very true. My daddy has taught me so much. Although we don't ALWAYS get along or see eye to eye, he is my best friend.

When I was a kid, it was easy to see my dad as superhuman. Nothing scares him…nothing can hurt him. He is indestructible, he always has the right answers, and if he says something it is automatically true.

Eventually I realized that he isn’t the smartest or the strongest man in the world, but he is the most important in my world. He didn’t have the answer to everything, and that was ok. Sometimes, he got hurt or sick, and that was ok, too.

 

 

The most comforting arms to be in were his and his alone. It felt like he could protect me from everything. And then a day came when I became his protector. Few, or I hope few rather than many, have to experience what I did. Suddenly, I was spinning plates…Caretaker. Housekeeper. High school student…but really only wanting to be with him. I remember so vividly, holding his hand, so little life contained in his body, tracing the veins…the wrinkles…Thinking back to how many times in my life those hands held mine and led me where I needed to go. When they wiped my tears and took away my pain. How I wished I could take away his.

Although that was not the end, it changed everything. At every sign of abnormality, I drop to my knees, hot tears streaming down my face, and plead to God. Please, don’t take him yet…Give me more time. I know your will is best, God, but please… I still need him. But truth is, I will always need him. I will need him every day I walk this earth. And for the past three years I have feared the day that would mark the beginning of my life without him. This fear has weighed heavy on my decisions. I almost stayed home rather than going to Florida, just because of it. And even now, even though I love my time at school, I question if I made the right choice…How can I beg for more time, when I don’t take advantage of the time with him I have been given?

Every day I see him get a bit worse. I worry and I consider calling his doctor, because I am not ready to say good bye to my superhero. I know the day will come when our original role will swap and I will be his lifeline. Yet, even then I will need him more than he needs me.

My father has been my very best friend my entire life. He will never be in the health or the shape he was in. It kills me to see him weak when I still think of him as so strong.

The Bad Side

I think it sometimes comes across (to those other than the ones I am with all the time, at least) that I am always happy...that I try to find the good in everything. Which is true, I do try to find sometihng good in every situation because that's what I've learned I have to do to survive.

But sometimes, I get sad for no real reason.
It comes out of nowhere, is uncontrollable and the length of stay and severity is different each time.
I try not to say anything or act any different...we all have our sad feelings...so if maybe someone notices something and asks if I'm ok, I choke out an "I'm fine." and carry on. Because what else can we do but carry on?

Sometimes, though, the unexplainable pain is too much and the thoughts that come with it rage like a fire constantly being fueled with gasoline.
Thoughts of my every flaw, making me hate myself little by little until I can't take it and the tears appear out of no where, so I do my best to swallow them until I can run away. Problem here is...there isn't really anywhere I can run. Someone is always there and I don't want to burden them with my problems of thinking I'm just not good enough and nothing is going right.

Usually I can fight off the thoughts and emotions that saunter into my soul holding hands like it's no big deal if I keep busy. After a long day of classes and work, though, there is nothing stopping them. They pick up their weapons and they bash every bit of me, crushing me from the inside out.

Maybe I should talk to someone, but I can't seem to form the words "Oh, it's just one of those days where I really hate everything about myself and my life and can't seem to find good in anything..."

Tonight at dinner, the feelings came back and I found myself holding back tears with all that I had, but beginning to fail. So I left and headed back to the dorms, promising myself I can cry as soon as I get back to my room. I could collapse on my bad and finally call out in pain like I have needed to do for the past few days. But when I got to my room, my bed was gone. Everything was gone, actually... my roommates had taken all of my stuff to Sutton as a prank, so I fell on Kristina's bed and let my guard down, ruining the video they attempted to take of my reaction...

I heard the click of the door from Libby and Anissa's room, so I jumped up and rinsed off my face in attempts to wash away any signs of my breakdown. But as soon as Ariel entered the room, I just couldn't do it... I couldn't beat off the demons. I just forced myself into her embrace and cried.

After moving my things back to my room with the help of Ariel, Sarah and Hannah and trying to not cry in front of everyone in Hinley, I went into Anissa's room where Ariel was.
I asked her to lie in bed with me and for half an hour she just scratched my back and was there...not asking questions or even really talking... just being there.
I kept telling myself "She loves me...my friends love me...I am valuable. I have no reason to hate myself..." and for a time, it helped.
She got up to leave...and half of me wanted to scream "Please don't leave me alone...", but the other half, the one that always seems to win argued, "No. Let her go...don't be selfish. This is why you try not to let people see this side of you." Really, though, I don't know if she can understand how much that meant to me. For her to just be there...

So, yes, while I would overall describe myself as happy and optimistic, I do have days where I cannot stand who I am. Where I feel so alone and empty and worthless that sometimes it is struggle to convince myself it will be worth it to get out of bed. But those days are not the majority, and I know I have people who can get my mind off of it.
So for now, I will go on and pretend the feelings don't exist. I will argue with myself and fight it.

But now, I have to go put my stuff back where it belongs...and maybe wash my sheets. I don't trust the cleanliness of upstairs Sutton.

"When all else fails"

It isn't uncommon for things to happen that we just do not and cannot understand. This can be in our personal lives or the lives of everyone in the nation.

The attack in Boston today has me jolted. When seeing the news online today,  my heart sank and I just thought, "Oh, please, no..." It seems like as soon as the country is able to stand back up after one tragedy it is knocked down by another.
When the earth beneath us is suddenly shaking without ceasing and we cannot regain our balance, the population decides to turn to God. We realize we aren't going to be able to keep upright without help from something beyond the physical and we cry out "Oh my God!" this time not in vain, but in distress. We plead for help, for just a boost because we finally see that we can't do it alone. We can't stop the earth from shaking.
It is in times of pain and panic that we turn to God for peace. We pray for ourselves and those who may be grieving or lost or scared. We ask for comfort, for answers, for something to get us through.
I sit in the same desk in psychology every day. Scribbled in the corner, someone has written (here's a big nod to the fact I go to a Christian school) "God does not forget us in our distress, so why should be forget Him in our abundance?"

When the earth is shaking and we cannot stand, we cry out to Him. But when it calms and we can safely pull ourselves out of the rubble and walk the streets with joy in our hearts, we don't think we need Him anymore.

I think we are all guilty of this at some point, myself included. I praise God for guiding me through my challenges, but do I praise Him for just being? For caring for me when I mistakenly put Him on the back burner.

This happens every time a tragedy occurs in America. I am no by any means saying it is particularly bad. But when something such as this atrocity in Boston happens that FaceBook friends pop up with "Praying" or "Pray for"... Friends who it is, honestly, a surprise that they apparently believe in God at all. And wow did that sound judgemental of me.

It is like "when all else fails, I'll turn to God..."
When it should be that we face God at all times, knowing that when all else fails He will still be there.

Although is world will one day end, God is never ceasing.
"God does not forget us in our distress, so why should we forget Him in our abundance?"

I am praying for those affected by the tragedy in Boston today and I am praying for those who caused it. I am also thanking God for those who escaped unscathed, physically, and for the blessings all around us. But mainly, I am thanking Him for sending His son to die so we have the opportunity to leave this sinful, terrifying world and spend eternity with Him in heaven.

We All Have Our Purpose

I've been wanting to write about this particular topic for a while now, but wanted to wait until the perfect words came to me. I want to get my point across and I want it to make an impact. This is something very important to me and especially to my teacher heart.

Sometimes we use words without fully considering the meaning. We don't realize that using them in certain ways manipulates the meaning without getting it away from context and that this can cause a lot of hurt to people. Those of you who really know me know about my hate of "R" word, retard or retarded. I gave a speech on it last semester, in fact.

The word retard means (taken from dictionary.com)
verb (used with object)

1.

to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

verb (used without object)

2.

to be delayed.

noun

3.

a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.

4.

Slang: Disparaging.

a.

a mentally retarded person.

b.

a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard.

 

 

Now, notice #4. Slang:Disparaging. Well, what does disparaging mean?

1.

to speak of or treat slightingly; depreciate; belittle: Do not disparage good manners.

2.

to bring reproach or discredit upon; lower the estimation of: Your behavior will disparage the whole family.

 

 

 

I know that is all boring and technical, but I mention it to make a point. People generally use the word retarded in the slang form, connecting it to foolish, childish, or just plain stupid behavior. The problem is, this word is linked to individuals with special needs. So by saying that your friend is retarded when he does something stupid is like saying "You're acting like you have Down syndrome." or "Dude, you sound like you're autistic." And that is not alright.

 

I invite you to take a moment and think about your interactions with those who have special needs and how you felt, what you thought, when you were around them. Did you take pity? Think about how that person "will never be able to...fill in the blank" or did you look at them like you would any other person. Wonder what his/her hobbies are. Think about what job the person may have. Consider everything that person could or has accomplished in this life.

Naturally, we tend to look at them in pity. Look at their families in pity. But, do we consider that maybe pity is not what they're looking for, but acceptance?

 

Every person in this world has purpose and meaning. Maybe she has Down syndrome and has to work a little harder to learn something. So what?

Maybe he has Cerebral Palsy and drools and doesn't speak clearly.

Maybe he is autistic and doesn't always know how to communicate.

None of that changes purpose. Maybe if we took the time to look at these people as just that, people, like ourselves, we could see the wonder, magic, and possibility they bring to our world. Maybe we could see what they can teach us.

 

And THAT is why I hate the word retard or retarded... Because these people are not stupid. They learn differently, but that does not mean they are dumb and will amount to nothing. I will not use it in that way. I scold my friends and the children at work for using it.

 

I urge you to consider your words and how they affect others. Take the time to check out some blogs of families with members who have special needs to see that pity is not needed.

 

 

 

 

A Little Bit of Rain

It is 9:03. I should be doing math homework. Or studying psychology. Or...doing something more productive. But right now, nothing seems more soothing than writing. Writing whatever I think of just because I haven't in a long long time. (and here are some pictures from our girls' beach day)

This morning, the first thing I thought when I woke up was "I hope it rains today." I rolled over to see gray light through the slits in the blinds and smiled as I shifted to my back and stretched that beautiful shoulder cracking stretch that seems to pull my body into the state of action for the day. I have been pretty down this past week or so for various reasons. One reason being I have become so overwhlemed with my neverending overly predictable schedule. I get up and go to class (or, on Thursdays, tutor, then go to class) until I go to work which I don't get off of until 6. I come back to campus, eat dinner, do homework  (or avoid homework...) and try to go to bed as early as possible because by nighttime I'm beat. Add trying to dump this stupid college weight by working out nearly every evening (which hasn't been working...) and I'm going stir crazy by the weekend, craving a break, a good nap, one freaking cup of tea in a room by myself.

 At some point in the day, every day for the past two weeks, I've thought about how badly it sucks I have to work so much. That I have to work 10 hours a week so I can stay at this school that, while it is exactly where I need to be, is so far away from home it hurts sometimes. Because if I were home and this tired of this schedule, I could be healed by a good cuddle and tug of war game with my dog or a good target practice session with my pretty little revolver. Here, I've gotten so lost in routine, it seems like I have no outlet and no escape. I've lost the key to my own life and have managed to lock myself in. I think about how I wish I didn't have to work, that my dad could just give me money and I could comfortably float my way through college. I had begun to take my displeasure and hurt feelings out on my kids at work. I started to give up because I just didn't feel it. I was doing things, disciplining in ways that I told myself I would NEVER do. And it didn't weigh on my conscience because I was too distracted by this world of Me.

But today, I wished for rain. Because these past weeks have been so sunny while I've felt so dreary inside, and I knew that I had to turn my attitude around...negativity is no way to approach this life and these opportunities God has blessed me with, and rain would be the motivation to do just that. It's kind of like how every now and then you purposefully don't make your bed because it's more comfortable that way because it feels lived in. It isn't what you usually want. In fact, it's what you really don't want. But then one particularly stressful day, you rip the sheets into a mad wad, crawl within it and set up camp because it feels close and homey. And because it's a reminder that everything doesn't have to perfect. That when you get overwhelmed, you just have to accept that your room isn't always going to be spic and span. Occasionally (or, for me pretty much always) your clean laundry will sit in the hamper for a week of two (or 3...) and get all wrinkled because you don't have the time or motivation to put it away. That you might just have to make a B on a paper for the sake of your sanity.

So today, when I looked outside and saw the clouds and the blue-gray sky, I felt like I could conquor the world. Not only conquor it, but change it. And while I would have perferred to stay inside, watching movies and outlining my blue print for world peace, I went on to chapel, to class, and to work. I felt pleasantly uplifted and went into work grateful for the excitment the kids show when I walk through that door. Arms flinging open for hugs with gleeful cheers of "Miss Erin!" (I'm seriously not making this up...). I contained extra patience and somehow knew exactly how to explain things to the kids during homework time. I even disciplined more efficiently and put away the finger wagging (good grief...finger wagging? I want to slap myself for ever pulling that one out...) and got my message across. I even broke the rules and talked to the kids when they weren't supposed to be talking because I just wanted to hear what they had to say and took the rap when they were scolded.

And now, here I am, writing, and I feel worlds better. I do believe this will need to become a habit to keep my mind in the right place.

Sometimes, you get discouraged in life...but no matter why you are discouraged, you cannot let it take over or it will just grow bigger and bigger until it is uncontrolable. Kind of like that giant heartless at the end of the first level of Kingdom Hearts.

Ok. My rant is over. My world is sunny again, so the world itself is allowed to  be, too.

 

 

 

 

Signing out,
Erin

 

Joyful Redemption, Tips, and Random

My last post was sad... so now that I'm feeling better I need to redeem myself.

We all go through some low periods, sad times, and often for no reason. That was mine. But I'm good now. Back to focusing on how AWESOME things really are. Enjoying the small things. Like red nail polish. The thought that eventually, I will wear a sweater and not melt. There are crunchy leaves! Not the good kind, but their existence whatsoever makes me smile.

I still really miss my family, just for the record. It is so weird being away from them... but I will be home for Thanksgiving in 49 days. And I can't wait to tell them all about my life here and catch up with those wonderful people over delicious food and football. And I WILL be wearing a sweater. Because it is Tennessee and it will not be 80 degrees...I hope.

(taken last Thanksgiving)




It's funny how certain songs can bring back such vivid memories. I was listening to Christmas music (don't judge me. : P ) and the First Noel came on. I was instantly taken back to about 2005, Christmas night. I was in my bedroom in my Samantha nightgown with a snow globe/music box my dad had given me. I remember at first being upset, because it wasn't what I had thought to be in the package. But that night, I turned out all of the lights in my room, turned on the little light on the globe, and wound it up. I watched as the little flecks on snow fell gently on the glass angel inside as "The First Noel" played. And I cried. I felt so bad because I was disappointed in a gift. I realized I LOVED the snow globe and I was so selfish and ungrateful for not being excited about it to begin with just because I thought it was going to be something else.
Now. Fast forward to 2012, the night before we left for Tampa. I had climbed into bed, all of my lights off. I turned on the same snow globe that still sits on my nightstand, 7 years later. It illuminated my room with the warm glow of that Christmas night. And I cried. Because I was so thankful for everything I had and the memory of being so ungrateful for something beautiful given to me by someone who loves me... And I was just overwhelmed with how lucky I am to have him. I also realized how lucky I was that not only does my father love me like no one else, my Father loves me even more... Even though I mess up. I make mistakes. I go against His word. Yet he loves me, and forgives me...accepts me with open arms. How blessed are we? To have such a forgiving God. It hit me that, yes I was scared to move 700-800 miles away. Yes, I would miss my family. But God would make me strong. He would protect me and my life, if I put it in His hands, would be grand. Trust in God can get you so far in life, and I am so thankful for Him and His love for me.

Now for some tips for my lovelies who are filling out college applications.

1. ) Be yourself. Let your personality AND intelligence come through that essay. If they feel like they know you, they'll want to give you money. So get a little casual with it; talk to them. But not too casual. You don't want to look stupid. : P

2) Moving far away from your family and friends is a lot harder than you may ever imagine, but it's also very rewarding. Just don't forget where you come from. (I'm think about you, Maddy. Chicago is far away. ; ) )

3) Always keep snacks in your dorm. You get hungry at the weirdest times.

4) Be nice to everyone. Even people you don't know or people who aren't nice to you. It puts you in a really good mood.

5) Don't go to class in sweats. It's unclassy, and you'll get to cozy and fall asleep, wasting the class period. (although, chances are, you'll fall asleep in class at some point no matter what you wear. But dressing nicely = compliments that make you feel good and giving off a good impression that you want to be viewed as professional and you care about your appearance (to a point. Don't be vain..or have low self confidence).

6) Make friends! Reach out to people...see someone sitting alone? Chances are, they're scared, too. Make the first move and help someone feel better. You'll be glad you did.

7) Always love Erin. ; )

Tomorrow our Future Falcon is coming for the weekend. I can't wait to show her how kick butt FC is. Wasn't too long ago, I was a "Future Falcon", too. Now I'm just one of 532 Falcons. And proud of it!

Then, Saturday we're going to down town Tampa. So I might actually have a more interesting post next week. : P

Restless Thinking

 

 

I've been here for one month and 10 days. And I'm pretty proud to say, I've just started to get homesick. Don't get me wrong, I've missed my family and friends since the day I left, and this new place does feel like home. But it's funny how when something of the slightest nature throws you off course and you get upset or stressed, all you want is familiarity, or that sense of comfort you've always known. (I say you as if everyone feels the same way. It's possible, no, it's fact that we don't. But...this is how I feel, so roll with it). When I was at home and something was a little off, I experienced a disappointment, I spilled my heart to my dog, Badge. And Kristina always makes fun of me for how much I love my dog, but my life is so much easier with him. I can talk and he just listens. He lays his head on my leg and looks me in the eye when I talk to him. He doesn't judge, doesn't offer up advice, he just listens. And sometimes I need that. A cuddly thing to love and talk to who loves me back and listens like he cares.

(Now prepare to be plagued with pictures of my canine psychiatrist)

 

 

 

 

He's such a goober.

 

 

 

I'm not going to talk only about my dog, here. I promise. He's just a lead in.

I'm generally a positive person. While people (*cough* Mrs. Williams *cough*) joke that I am negative, but seriously. Overall, I really try to see the good in the bad and make the most out of situations. I get up, and even if I don't feel tip top, I tell myself it will be a good day and I will be happy, and...it is. and I am. So, yeah, I'm a positive person. But by being so positive, and often forcing positivity upon myself, sometimes I just get so overwhelmed out of no where and have a little break down. My mind is flooded by thoughts of all of the unpleasant or "unfair" times in life, my thoughts are scattered and...angry. I feel so RESTLESS. I just want to scream and cry and punch things. And generally it all comes out in a big ball of...tears. I came in from a study session to see my dad got online, so I Skyped him. It was so nice to actually see him, and even my mom for a few minutes. It cheered me up. Until I hung up. Then I just cried. And wished so badly I could just go home for a little while. Hug my dad. Hug my dog. Sleep in my bed. Eat my Mimi's food. But I can't, and it felt like a big punch to the gut. These aren't really feelings I know how to get out to another human, and because Badge isn't here and the squirrels around campus aren't great listeners, I keep it in. I just let it grow. Honestly, I did cry when I hung up...but not for long, because everyone else in my suit would be coming in because of curfew, and as much as I cry, you'd think I'd be used to people seeing me cry, but I'm still not comfortable with it. Actually, I think it may be I don't like explaining why I am crying. I am POSITIVE. I don't let this stuff bring me down! But I do. I secretly feel awful inside. At least right now...for the past week-ish. I know it will pass, but in the meantime, I just want some okra and good cuddle with my dog! Is that too much to ask?

A few days from now I'll be OK. But this hasn't been the easiest week of my life, and there's really no point...and I'm getting awful dark circles from not going to bed until after 12 and crying or holding back crying...
Thanks for letting me rant.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified; do not be dismayed. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

 

 

 

 

 

 

I miss these people something awful.