Caring Too Much

It is a pretty common joke on TV shows or movies that a character says his/her biggest flaw is "caring too much" in attempts to make them look better. While I see how this is a joke and that "caring too much" is supposed to be seen as a limb to perfection, but you know, I think it actually can be a flaw. Whhhha? Yeah, I know. It sounds silly. But as a person who suffers with anxiety, I would be the first to raise my hand and say caring has caused me grief (in the hypothetical and literal senses).

It is pretty easy to see that a lot of my anxiety comes from my lack of control. When things stray from a schedule or plan, my anxiety starts rising up slowly, and then stress  mixes with it to create a mixture more explosive than Mentos and Coke. I am perfectly reasonable in the sense that I realize I will never be able to control everything. I totally get that. Things will rarely go as planned. We will always leave later than scheduled. I cannot control other people...I am no puppet master and as far as I  know, I have yet to meet a living marionette. I am working on not letting these small things cause me anxiety.
 But the problem really lies in how deeply I care about certain things and people. Sometimes my heart feels so heavy with the misfortunes of this world and the pain I feel for others than I just cannot stand it. Many times I have literally dropped to my knees or curled in a ball and poured out every fiber of my being through tears in prayer. I tell God there is so much wrong in this world...I hate this world...I wish I could do more to help. I want to change things. The issues are right at the tip of my fingers, and yet I cannot reach them. I thirst to hold them in my hands and change it all to pixie dust. But I can't. I cannot alter the way people treat others. I cannot erase the evil, the struggle, the temptation. I just don't know what to do.
I ask God to show me how to help. I ask him to guide my words and my actions...

I feel so inadequate...as though I am never good enough and I just don't know how to be. By that, I mean, for God. Am I as good as I could be? No...but will I ever be? Am I doing all I can to bring as many people to God as possible? No!
Yesterday, a second grader at work asked why I leave early on Wednesdays. I told her it is so I have enough time to get ready for church.  "What do you do at church?" she asked. So, I explained that we sing and pray and study the Bible and that I teach a children's Bible class. Her little eyes widened and what she said next took me way off guard... "Will you tell me one thing about God?"
ONE thing? I wanted so badly to tell her EVERYTHING....when in reality I could tell her nothing... unless I was willing to put my job at risk. I wanted to tell her that God loves her more than she could ever know and that with Him she is never alone... I wanted to tell her that when you're with God, things don't seem so bad.... But I could say nothing. Her attention was redirected when another kid came up and asked her to play. I was just sitting there, with my mouth agape. My heart is always heavy with how much I care about those kids. I hate seeing them and knowing that there is such a big chance they are not being taught God's word. I worry about the decisions they will make as they get older and I reprimand when they say things no 6 year old should know, let alone be able to describe in detail. I worry about them all the time. They are in my every prayer, because I love every.single.one of them and I want their souls to be safe. All I can do is be an example. If that is all I can do, then I work so hard to be an excellent example. I WORRY about what kind of example I am to them. I WORRY if I am saying or doing the right things. I WORRY about if I'm actually helping them.

I WORRY.
I FEAR.
I am overcome.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am really cut out to be a teacher. The one thing I've wanted to do my whole life. The thing I was sure I could make a difference with. If I cannot handle not being able to save every student, how can I be a teacher.
Yet, I push those thoughts away and I thank God for the experience my job is giving me and I work. I know I am a teacher...I know I can make a difference. Even if I cannot change the world. How I wish I could change the world...

My point is, the amount I care about things causes me more anxiety than I can describe. I care about these people, but I cannot force them to make the right decisions. I cannot change their minds. I cannot take them away from pain and misfortune.

If I am to make a difference I cannot let worry and fear overcome me. If that means I have to crumple in prayer every ten minutes asking God for His help, I will. I have to be as strong as I try to be appear, and yet as weak as I really am.

Savior, While My Heart Is Tender

Savior, while my heart is tender,
I would yield that heart to Thee;
All my powers to Thee surrender,
Thine and only Thine to be.

Take me now, Lord Jesus, take me;
Let my youthful heart be Thine;
Thy devoted servant make me;
Fill my soul with love divine.

Send me, Lord, where Thou wilt send me,
Only do Thou guide my way;
May Thy grace through life attend me,
Gladly then shall I obey.

Let me do Thy will or bear it;
I would know no will but Thine;
Shouldst Thou take my life or spare it,
I that life to Thee resign.

May this solemn consecration
Never once forgotten be;
Let it know no revocation,
Registered and confirmed by Thee.

Thine I am, O Lord, for ever
To Thy service set apart;
Suffer me to leave Thee never,
Seal Thine image on my heart.

Living Out Loud, Fueling the Fire

WARNING: This post is very rambly.
Each day we are presented with hundreds of choices. From whether or not we hit the snooze button to if we go out of our way for someone else.
I am discovering that my anxiety seems to come from the unknown... or from knowing I cannot control everything and I am totally powerless at times. I have a bad habit of setting expectations for things and being really hurt when life doesn't produce what I expect. I cannot control this world. Last night I was feeling really anxious, so I sent Abby a text saying I wasn't feeling well and to just keep me in her prayers. Not 2 minutes later, sometime after 1:00 in the morning, Abby is in my bed. "Don't you ever text me saying that and expect me to just sit in my room and pray for you when I am only floors away!"
She reminded me that while there is a lot I have no control over, there are things that I am master of. I can make my own decisions... I can control myself even if my anxiety makes me feel like I can't.
I know that God is in control. I do. But when suddenly nothing meets your expectations, it seems like everything is in a spiral.
It is no doubt that the passing of Adam triggered this recent anxiety. Something such as this serves as an ultimate reminder of God being in control in all ways. Losing Adam was obviously not at all part of my expectations for life right now. I knew him very little, but hurt so deeply for those who knew him well. Before I get to my overall point, I want to share my few interactions with this incredible man.
I first met him in 2010. In fact, he was my very first experience with this whole Christian community I have come to hold so dearly and the openness of hospitality that comes with it (other than those in my local church). I had never been to a gospel meeting, but had recently started attending my congregation at home. Adam's dad was preaching the meeting and they were both staying at the Buntings'. I was sitting on the couch upstairs waiting on Kristina when a very tall man walked up the stairs balancing a laptop on his head with mild support from his hands. He proceeded to walk around in circles in front of me. After a good two minutes I finally asked what he was doing. "Looking for a signal." he replied and continued pacing. Then, he stopped and introduced himself...and continued his search for Internet. The next day he declared he would be adding me on Facebook, and lo and behold, I had a request from Batman Rodriguez. "Tina, who the heck is Batman Rodriguez and why does he want to be my friend?" Kristina cracked up and informed me Batman was just Adam.
In the time in between then and last fall (or maybe it was this past spring..), I barely communicated with him. Mainly, it was just a "Party Arthur!" from him on my birthday. But, when he was visiting FC recently we both ended up at Pie Night. From across the Village Inn he began flailing his arms "Erin Wells! That's Erin Wells! We haven't talked in so long!". Honestly, I didn't expect him to remember me. Why would he? We met once, 2-3 years ago and hadn't really talked since. But he did...and he made it a point to come talk to me. How many people do that?
I am grieved for this world's loss of such a special soul...but so happy for Adam. He no longer has to live in this world of sin. How wonderful is it that we have that opportunity?

The whole ordeal has certainly spiked my anxiety...but it has also made me hungry. Hungry, that is, for life. I have let my anxiety control me for too long. I need to let go. I cannot control it all...what I can control is how I live. I can be quiet and live in the background, or I can be like Adam and live out loud, trusting God in every step. I can take every moment and make it worth something and that is my choice. There will be days that are hard and that don't go as planned, but it shouldn't keep me from really truly living out loud.  Every day is a day to glorify God and live for Him.

I want to live out loud. I want to see the joy in every breathe I breath, every step I take, every tear that graces my face. I know it is unreasonable to do that 100% of the time, but I can aim for 98% of the time, right?

I have this fire inside me to do so much. I want to experience it, I want to taste it. I want to CHANGE it. I feel an urgency within me to help this world spin a little smoother. That's why I have chosen to go into elementary education. Not because I love children (although I do love children), but because I want to give them a chance they may not get...a view they might not have seen without me. I want to show them how wonderful learning is, but more importantly, how wonderful this world can be if we make it. If we show love and kindness...if we give opportunities. If we show others how it's done. I have a fire that begs for change by my hand. Each day I am learning to fuel that fire with hard work and lots of prayer. I know this world is not my home and that I am working towards a higher place, but while I am here, I charge forward to improve lives of others. We are given such a great opportunity of just being that it is a shame not to strive to make a difference. I am building myself up for the job, one brick at a time. Until I am ready, I will suck every moment out of the experiences I am given to get me to my ultimate destination.

Daily Scavenge:

A full house at a devotion in memory of Adam.

(I believe Brian Harbor took this picture..I stole it from Facebook)

 

The rest of these are from Fall Banquet (11/23/13)

Ugly Sweater day (for some reason, we look like weird shrunken people...)

 

 

 

 

Patience to see the good... Patience in all.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who can honestly admit that patience is often a struggle for me. I remember being a kid and being told "5 more minutes"...what a life time those five minutes were.
The areas of patience I struggle in have changed over the years, obviously.
 I have to walk away and take a second to regain patience so I don't snap on my kindergarteners at least once an afternoon at work. I have to put myself back to that 5 year old mindset and remind myself that things are different for them...this whole school thing is still kind of new. But even through that, some of my kids are just poorly behaved plain and simple. So I have to remind myself to be patient, because one day they will do something so good, and I will be so excited to praise him/her for being the one kid walking in line correctly or the one who thought of something considerate to do for a peer. Because it does happen! That moment comes. When that kid who always makes poor choices behavior wise, suddenly does something that you can finally say "YES!" to...and seeing how proud he is of himself...it's so worth all of the "No!" s. But I have to have patience...

I am so ready to graduate and be done with school. I want to move into my own little place and really start my life, start teaching. I have to remind myself I am not ready, that's why I'm here in Florida working my butt off. That's why I study. That's why I chose to come here, to get experiences that just aren't available at home. I am getting those...but that doesn't mean I'm ready. And in all honesty, these next 2 1/2 years will fly by, and I'll be craving to revisit my college days I'm sure. I'll wish I could go back, just for a moment, to those late night conversations, carefree Saturdays, even the days full of stressful school work. There is good in all, but we have to 1) be patient for it to come forward and 2) be willing to do a little extra work to find it.

I've also had a tendency lately to jump to conclusions... I don't have the patience to give people the benefit of the doubt or see things from their position. That is really unfair of me AND to me...it has caused some not so great feelings toward people I really care about.

And I've lost patience with myself in so many areas. That is a big struggle that I am working really hard on. Things are not as bad as they seem... Be patient, the good will come. Be patient, you'll see YOUR GOOD again. (and no, that isn't supposed to be "you're good"...I meant is possessive.)
Because you are (now it's you're) good. There is good within. There are good qualities. Just wait... you'll see it again, I promise.

Happy Monday, folks.

Daily Scavenge:

What could be better than getting this in a text at work?

 

These girls... that night.

These people...they make my days so much brighter.

 

 

Restless Thinking

 

 

I've been here for one month and 10 days. And I'm pretty proud to say, I've just started to get homesick. Don't get me wrong, I've missed my family and friends since the day I left, and this new place does feel like home. But it's funny how when something of the slightest nature throws you off course and you get upset or stressed, all you want is familiarity, or that sense of comfort you've always known. (I say you as if everyone feels the same way. It's possible, no, it's fact that we don't. But...this is how I feel, so roll with it). When I was at home and something was a little off, I experienced a disappointment, I spilled my heart to my dog, Badge. And Kristina always makes fun of me for how much I love my dog, but my life is so much easier with him. I can talk and he just listens. He lays his head on my leg and looks me in the eye when I talk to him. He doesn't judge, doesn't offer up advice, he just listens. And sometimes I need that. A cuddly thing to love and talk to who loves me back and listens like he cares.

(Now prepare to be plagued with pictures of my canine psychiatrist)

 

 

 

 

He's such a goober.

 

 

 

I'm not going to talk only about my dog, here. I promise. He's just a lead in.

I'm generally a positive person. While people (*cough* Mrs. Williams *cough*) joke that I am negative, but seriously. Overall, I really try to see the good in the bad and make the most out of situations. I get up, and even if I don't feel tip top, I tell myself it will be a good day and I will be happy, and...it is. and I am. So, yeah, I'm a positive person. But by being so positive, and often forcing positivity upon myself, sometimes I just get so overwhelmed out of no where and have a little break down. My mind is flooded by thoughts of all of the unpleasant or "unfair" times in life, my thoughts are scattered and...angry. I feel so RESTLESS. I just want to scream and cry and punch things. And generally it all comes out in a big ball of...tears. I came in from a study session to see my dad got online, so I Skyped him. It was so nice to actually see him, and even my mom for a few minutes. It cheered me up. Until I hung up. Then I just cried. And wished so badly I could just go home for a little while. Hug my dad. Hug my dog. Sleep in my bed. Eat my Mimi's food. But I can't, and it felt like a big punch to the gut. These aren't really feelings I know how to get out to another human, and because Badge isn't here and the squirrels around campus aren't great listeners, I keep it in. I just let it grow. Honestly, I did cry when I hung up...but not for long, because everyone else in my suit would be coming in because of curfew, and as much as I cry, you'd think I'd be used to people seeing me cry, but I'm still not comfortable with it. Actually, I think it may be I don't like explaining why I am crying. I am POSITIVE. I don't let this stuff bring me down! But I do. I secretly feel awful inside. At least right now...for the past week-ish. I know it will pass, but in the meantime, I just want some okra and good cuddle with my dog! Is that too much to ask?

A few days from now I'll be OK. But this hasn't been the easiest week of my life, and there's really no point...and I'm getting awful dark circles from not going to bed until after 12 and crying or holding back crying...
Thanks for letting me rant.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified; do not be dismayed. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

 

 

 

 

 

 

I miss these people something awful.

Reflections

My favorite time around here is the evening... When the sun is only half up and a breeze brings the muggy temperature down a bit. The light is glorious at this time of day and I can't help but drink the beauty Florida has to offer. Different from Tennessee's beauty, but still beautiful. I had been trying to capture this sunkissed time of day, but it has been so humid that my lense just fogged over...But it happened finally. I got pictures! I can't get over how BLUE the sky is at this time of day... Maybe I don't notice it as much in the middle of the day because the sun is so bright everything looks white? Either way, it's ridiculous.

                                       See the sky? So. Blue.

It's funny. Florida lanscaping and vegetation is not particularly exciting to me... Everything looks pretty much the same. Once you've seen one palm tree, you've seen all palm trees. And Spanish moss is really only "myseriously pretty" for a few weeks. But I still enjoy the scenery.

 These things are EVERYWHERE.

 And for entertainment purposes, here's Kristina with her ukelele.

 

 

 

As we get farther into September...I really start to crave fall. A Tennessee fall. With a warm palette of reds and browns...the smell of fall. And I'm really saddened by this 90 degree weather. I WANT TO WEAR SCARVES. I mean, Starbucks has its Pumpkin Spice Latte out! I want fall! It's too bright here...too...summer. Summer is my least favorite season. -_- So to create my own bit of autumn, I've been drinking spiced apple cider and looking at pictures I took a few years ago on my uncle's mountain.

There's just something about Tennessee in the fall that makes me feel...cozy. And not Tampa weather could ever replace my love for autumn in the mountains.

My all time favorite autumn memories are when my parents and I would stay in my aunt and uncle's camper on the lake. Every morning, bundled in hats and sweatshirts, we would light a fire and sip cider while breakfast cooked on the grill. Every season is prettier on the lake. The early morning autumn sun over the water while we relaxed and fished...or even the comfort of the heat in the camper when we settled down to watch a movie and enjoy each other's company, only to start over the next in a routine that was as comforting as the warmth of hot cider on cool mornings.

 

 

Not only do I miss spening time on the lake that is now closed for camping, but I miss the way things were. How...in place everything felt in life. How I was still a child and didn't have the worries I now face every day... Autumn brings back the feeling of being a child, so faithful and full of wonder for the world. The desire to drink up information and grow to the best of my ability. It brings back the tastes, the smells, the pictures of a simpler time. And not that I don't love my current life; I do. I really do. But it's different, and sometimes I miss what was. Fall brings bit of that back every year.