Caring Too Much

It is a pretty common joke on TV shows or movies that a character says his/her biggest flaw is "caring too much" in attempts to make them look better. While I see how this is a joke and that "caring too much" is supposed to be seen as a limb to perfection, but you know, I think it actually can be a flaw. Whhhha? Yeah, I know. It sounds silly. But as a person who suffers with anxiety, I would be the first to raise my hand and say caring has caused me grief (in the hypothetical and literal senses).

It is pretty easy to see that a lot of my anxiety comes from my lack of control. When things stray from a schedule or plan, my anxiety starts rising up slowly, and then stress  mixes with it to create a mixture more explosive than Mentos and Coke. I am perfectly reasonable in the sense that I realize I will never be able to control everything. I totally get that. Things will rarely go as planned. We will always leave later than scheduled. I cannot control other people...I am no puppet master and as far as I  know, I have yet to meet a living marionette. I am working on not letting these small things cause me anxiety.
 But the problem really lies in how deeply I care about certain things and people. Sometimes my heart feels so heavy with the misfortunes of this world and the pain I feel for others than I just cannot stand it. Many times I have literally dropped to my knees or curled in a ball and poured out every fiber of my being through tears in prayer. I tell God there is so much wrong in this world...I hate this world...I wish I could do more to help. I want to change things. The issues are right at the tip of my fingers, and yet I cannot reach them. I thirst to hold them in my hands and change it all to pixie dust. But I can't. I cannot alter the way people treat others. I cannot erase the evil, the struggle, the temptation. I just don't know what to do.
I ask God to show me how to help. I ask him to guide my words and my actions...

I feel so inadequate...as though I am never good enough and I just don't know how to be. By that, I mean, for God. Am I as good as I could be? No...but will I ever be? Am I doing all I can to bring as many people to God as possible? No!
Yesterday, a second grader at work asked why I leave early on Wednesdays. I told her it is so I have enough time to get ready for church.  "What do you do at church?" she asked. So, I explained that we sing and pray and study the Bible and that I teach a children's Bible class. Her little eyes widened and what she said next took me way off guard... "Will you tell me one thing about God?"
ONE thing? I wanted so badly to tell her EVERYTHING....when in reality I could tell her nothing... unless I was willing to put my job at risk. I wanted to tell her that God loves her more than she could ever know and that with Him she is never alone... I wanted to tell her that when you're with God, things don't seem so bad.... But I could say nothing. Her attention was redirected when another kid came up and asked her to play. I was just sitting there, with my mouth agape. My heart is always heavy with how much I care about those kids. I hate seeing them and knowing that there is such a big chance they are not being taught God's word. I worry about the decisions they will make as they get older and I reprimand when they say things no 6 year old should know, let alone be able to describe in detail. I worry about them all the time. They are in my every prayer, because I love every.single.one of them and I want their souls to be safe. All I can do is be an example. If that is all I can do, then I work so hard to be an excellent example. I WORRY about what kind of example I am to them. I WORRY if I am saying or doing the right things. I WORRY about if I'm actually helping them.

I WORRY.
I FEAR.
I am overcome.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am really cut out to be a teacher. The one thing I've wanted to do my whole life. The thing I was sure I could make a difference with. If I cannot handle not being able to save every student, how can I be a teacher.
Yet, I push those thoughts away and I thank God for the experience my job is giving me and I work. I know I am a teacher...I know I can make a difference. Even if I cannot change the world. How I wish I could change the world...

My point is, the amount I care about things causes me more anxiety than I can describe. I care about these people, but I cannot force them to make the right decisions. I cannot change their minds. I cannot take them away from pain and misfortune.

If I am to make a difference I cannot let worry and fear overcome me. If that means I have to crumple in prayer every ten minutes asking God for His help, I will. I have to be as strong as I try to be appear, and yet as weak as I really am.

Savior, While My Heart Is Tender

Savior, while my heart is tender,
I would yield that heart to Thee;
All my powers to Thee surrender,
Thine and only Thine to be.

Take me now, Lord Jesus, take me;
Let my youthful heart be Thine;
Thy devoted servant make me;
Fill my soul with love divine.

Send me, Lord, where Thou wilt send me,
Only do Thou guide my way;
May Thy grace through life attend me,
Gladly then shall I obey.

Let me do Thy will or bear it;
I would know no will but Thine;
Shouldst Thou take my life or spare it,
I that life to Thee resign.

May this solemn consecration
Never once forgotten be;
Let it know no revocation,
Registered and confirmed by Thee.

Thine I am, O Lord, for ever
To Thy service set apart;
Suffer me to leave Thee never,
Seal Thine image on my heart.

The Need for Me Time and not-so Me Time

There is something about having the perfect alone time that can make a day take a total 360. While I, from firsthand experience, do not advise too much alone time, it is essential for me to function.
There are times when the last thing I want is to be alone, and that is alright. But sometimes, I get so caught up in being with the people that I love that I forget to really take time for me. Usually, if I'm alone I'm playing around on the Internet, reading blogs or articles about who knows what...but I'm not so sure I consider that "me time". At least, not good me time.

My morning did not start out as I would've liked. I was exhausted last night and tried to go to bed early, but it just didn't quite work out...my sleep was interrupted almost hourly and I woke up less than rested to say the least. Then I found out I would have to end up paying more for something than I thought and budgeted for which frustrated me and frustration plus exhaustion almost always equals overreaction and tears (it did, if you were wondering). But luckily, today I had a 2 hour break after my 11:00 class. So, I grabbed some lunch, ran back to my room and fixed a pot of coffee. It brewed as I curled into my bed for a quick nap and made the whole room carry the comforting aroma of coffee. I slept for about half an hour and got up with my alarm to fix a cup of coffee (peppermint mocha creamer, I'm clinging to the last bit of the holidays). The rest of the time before class was spent drinking my coffee and just taking it slow and quiet. I am beginning to appreciate silence more and more... It gives me the opportunity to reflect, to pray, to just be. When you reconnect with yourself, it is much easier to stay connected to the world and your responsibilities. I don't remember the last time  I felt so rejuvenated. I am still pretty exhausted, but my mood has changed exponentially.

Being alone offers time set aside to think about things in depth. It can result in personal reminders of what I'm after in this life. What am I trying to achieve? What can I do to lift someone's spirits? How have I glorified God with my life lately? It is valuable time that I am grateful for. Sometimes it is just necessary to plan out time to give myself so I don't get overwhelmed with life.

That all being said, I also cherish my time with those I love. This semester it is a big goal of mine to soak up time with my friends... I have created friendships that I know in my heart of hearts will last a lifetime. I know that even if we have been apart for years, we will come back together and pick up like it was a night in the dorms, laughing or having deep discussions. I cannot express the blessings these girls are in my life. And I know it's going to be a sad parting after this semester. I am so sad to say it is out last semester all together, but I am beyond excited to see what we all do as we continue to grow. There is something special about our relationships and I refuse to take that for granted. These days are so precious to me. I am determined to try to spend as much time with them as much as possible. Even if that means just sitting in silence in the same room all doing separate homework or watching a movie.

These girls make me strive to be better. They encourage me. What a blessing it is to have such beautiful, caring, sisters in Christ.

Living Out Loud, Fueling the Fire

WARNING: This post is very rambly.
Each day we are presented with hundreds of choices. From whether or not we hit the snooze button to if we go out of our way for someone else.
I am discovering that my anxiety seems to come from the unknown... or from knowing I cannot control everything and I am totally powerless at times. I have a bad habit of setting expectations for things and being really hurt when life doesn't produce what I expect. I cannot control this world. Last night I was feeling really anxious, so I sent Abby a text saying I wasn't feeling well and to just keep me in her prayers. Not 2 minutes later, sometime after 1:00 in the morning, Abby is in my bed. "Don't you ever text me saying that and expect me to just sit in my room and pray for you when I am only floors away!"
She reminded me that while there is a lot I have no control over, there are things that I am master of. I can make my own decisions... I can control myself even if my anxiety makes me feel like I can't.
I know that God is in control. I do. But when suddenly nothing meets your expectations, it seems like everything is in a spiral.
It is no doubt that the passing of Adam triggered this recent anxiety. Something such as this serves as an ultimate reminder of God being in control in all ways. Losing Adam was obviously not at all part of my expectations for life right now. I knew him very little, but hurt so deeply for those who knew him well. Before I get to my overall point, I want to share my few interactions with this incredible man.
I first met him in 2010. In fact, he was my very first experience with this whole Christian community I have come to hold so dearly and the openness of hospitality that comes with it (other than those in my local church). I had never been to a gospel meeting, but had recently started attending my congregation at home. Adam's dad was preaching the meeting and they were both staying at the Buntings'. I was sitting on the couch upstairs waiting on Kristina when a very tall man walked up the stairs balancing a laptop on his head with mild support from his hands. He proceeded to walk around in circles in front of me. After a good two minutes I finally asked what he was doing. "Looking for a signal." he replied and continued pacing. Then, he stopped and introduced himself...and continued his search for Internet. The next day he declared he would be adding me on Facebook, and lo and behold, I had a request from Batman Rodriguez. "Tina, who the heck is Batman Rodriguez and why does he want to be my friend?" Kristina cracked up and informed me Batman was just Adam.
In the time in between then and last fall (or maybe it was this past spring..), I barely communicated with him. Mainly, it was just a "Party Arthur!" from him on my birthday. But, when he was visiting FC recently we both ended up at Pie Night. From across the Village Inn he began flailing his arms "Erin Wells! That's Erin Wells! We haven't talked in so long!". Honestly, I didn't expect him to remember me. Why would he? We met once, 2-3 years ago and hadn't really talked since. But he did...and he made it a point to come talk to me. How many people do that?
I am grieved for this world's loss of such a special soul...but so happy for Adam. He no longer has to live in this world of sin. How wonderful is it that we have that opportunity?

The whole ordeal has certainly spiked my anxiety...but it has also made me hungry. Hungry, that is, for life. I have let my anxiety control me for too long. I need to let go. I cannot control it all...what I can control is how I live. I can be quiet and live in the background, or I can be like Adam and live out loud, trusting God in every step. I can take every moment and make it worth something and that is my choice. There will be days that are hard and that don't go as planned, but it shouldn't keep me from really truly living out loud.  Every day is a day to glorify God and live for Him.

I want to live out loud. I want to see the joy in every breathe I breath, every step I take, every tear that graces my face. I know it is unreasonable to do that 100% of the time, but I can aim for 98% of the time, right?

I have this fire inside me to do so much. I want to experience it, I want to taste it. I want to CHANGE it. I feel an urgency within me to help this world spin a little smoother. That's why I have chosen to go into elementary education. Not because I love children (although I do love children), but because I want to give them a chance they may not get...a view they might not have seen without me. I want to show them how wonderful learning is, but more importantly, how wonderful this world can be if we make it. If we show love and kindness...if we give opportunities. If we show others how it's done. I have a fire that begs for change by my hand. Each day I am learning to fuel that fire with hard work and lots of prayer. I know this world is not my home and that I am working towards a higher place, but while I am here, I charge forward to improve lives of others. We are given such a great opportunity of just being that it is a shame not to strive to make a difference. I am building myself up for the job, one brick at a time. Until I am ready, I will suck every moment out of the experiences I am given to get me to my ultimate destination.

Daily Scavenge:

A full house at a devotion in memory of Adam.

(I believe Brian Harbor took this picture..I stole it from Facebook)

 

The rest of these are from Fall Banquet (11/23/13)

Ugly Sweater day (for some reason, we look like weird shrunken people...)

 

 

 

 

Procrastination at its finest, ladies and gents

I have a million and one things I should be doing. Cleaning, studying Western Civ, studying Ephesians/Colossians, studying special ed, laundry, cleaning, oh, did I say cleaning? Because my room is a total wreck. I did manage to do the dishes, though. So, that's something, right?
Anyways, I'm pretty sure this blog is just another notch on the belt of things I can do to procrastinate.

First, I would like to complain for a moment about the fact I cannot sleep in. Unless I'm sick, then I can sleep forever. But, when I'm in normal health I cannot sleep past 9 at the latest and it is a celebration when I make it to 9. Today I woke up at 8:40, defeated. I was still observably tired, but apparently 8 hours of sleep is enough for me, so I got up...and it was FREEZING in my room. It got down to  the 40's last night (I KNOW!!!) and the heater in my dorm doesn't work. They ordered a part for it, but...in the meantime, I'm just waiting for one of my toes to literally fall off due to severe frost bite.

Anyways, I thought I'd take this time that I should be using for many other things to share some Daily Scavenge. And none of them include western civilization and the test that will steal my soul this coming Friday.

This was a rough week to say the least. I haven't been at my best and have felt like a wilted flower... But I found a lot of things to be thankful for. I am surely praising God for His love and the ways He shows it.

A cup of hot tea and snuggly blanket to end the day.

1) A mother who thinks of me and sends me sweet packages with a new scarf and my copy of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

2) The fact I got to wear a sweater and a scarf comfortably in Florida. In October.
3) The 3 Stooges light switch cover. I don't know who put it there to begin with, but it makes me smile.

This. And the fact it felt like a Tennessee spring day.

Some of my crazy kids at work playing. They are stressful, but I do love them.

A quiet Saturday morning and the return of coffee...even if it is decaf. Oh. And peppermint mocha creamer.

I found this old webcam picture from when Badge was still just a little bit. I miss him, but this picture warmed my heart. 30 days until Thanksgiving break.

 

And today, I get to volunteer at a Feed America Tampa Bay event. I'm super excited.

Do you have a Daily Scavenge you want to share?

The Things You Notice in Solitude

It is a rare occurrence that I leave the pit that is CCCHS alone. Usually, I am accompanied by my best friends, trotting along either side chattering about our day. However, on this particular Friday afternoon, the other amigos were held after for a choir rehearsal, and I was forced to exit the building alone, able to focus on the world around me for once. I now regret focusing on the world around me at that moment.

I was surrounded by entities supposedly known has human beings, albeit the majority acted more like untamed animals. Members of the opposite sex (and occasionally the same sex) attacked each other in unflattering, not to mention disturbing, PDA. Crude language was shouted, along with obscene gestures, from across the parking lot. Now, I am a firm believer of the freedom of speech. But good golly, be respectful. Scenes such as this that make me wonder about this world. Wonder if evil outweighs good. Wonder if there truly are so few people who CARE about others.

(Written February 5, 2011)

It's times like those that make me so very thankful for my life, for my family, and for my friends. I think it's good to be exposed to the wrongs of the world sometimes, just to remind me how blessed I am. I'm not sure if you can access the link or not, but the comments made by some people make my heart ache. I sometimes forget there are such disrespectful, heartless people and when I am reminded, I pray and thank God for all He has given me, and for those people who must live such sad, loveless lives. http://www.facebook.com/#!/Bqwhitney/posts/188229101216302

(Here is the link within the link. You should at least read the comments to understand what I'm talking about here..)
http://www.parentdish.com/2011/03/03/the-word-retard/?a_dgi=aolshare_facebook

I want to take this moment to encourage everyone to study the surrounding world and instead of letting the imperfections depress you, take them as a reminder of the wonderful flawlessness in your life. Because, I don't know about you, but my life is perfect. Even everything wrong with it, is perfect. Without the "flaws" I'd be a different person, leading a different life not near as amazing as this one.
And for those who enjoy bringing others down, hurting others, they just don't know how to see the perfect in their lives. If they did, they'd be much happier.