Peeking Over the Ledge

No...things are not nearly the same this year. People and feelings have changed. I have changed. Things are harder...

While I am still very confused about some things and debating a lot...arguing with myself, really, I felt a new change today. A change within myself. I have been unable to find my positivity for the last 2 months. I had lost the Erin that could find good in everything, and I was afraid she would never come back. Today was the first day in a long time I did not have the overwhelming desire to be locked in my room away from everyone. It was the first time I felt hopeful of something regardless of the issues I still face. Do you know what it feels like to be so incredibly hopeless? Like nothing will get better and it will all obviously continue to get worse? I've been in that place That terrible, terrible place for months.

Last year, I was consumed by an awe of "I can't believe I am here! And with these people who I love and feel like I've known my entire life!" It was easy to see the light in all situations.

This year, I feel like I returned missing my limbs. "Just keep breathing...just get through." What a terrible feeling to wake up every day and convince yourself you just have to scrape by, make it until you could go to sleep again, because sleep (when you could get it) was the only way to really escape. Getting through is no way to live. I want to enjoy, not just breathe!

I'm still not there yet. I haven't climbed back to the top, but I think I was able to peek over the ledge just a little bit today. I could see a sliver of light in my dark. Will it last? I cannot say...but I hope so. It's exhausting to not be yourself.

But I feel my fire coming back... my passion for life is making a come back. I'm getting there. I can see over the ledge, and the world on that side? Covered in flowers and fall leaves.

Learning Change

I have never been the best with dealing with change. It made it really hard to come to Florida last fall and basically create a new life. But it soon became a beautiful life full of new experiences, new family, new reasons to be thankful... So I was really excited to get back this fall.

And sadly, it has disappointed in ways I could never imagine. Things are shifted, they aren't what they were last year. We're all a year older, in harder classes, living in different dorms and now suddenly it seems we are on different worlds. Last school year, my closest friends were in my very room, or a walk across the hall... Now, those who chose to live in the other dorm barely even exist. With our schedules, it's impossible to just hang out every day like we could last year, when we congregated in the room at curfew. It feels as though my family has been chopped down to 4, with occasional visitors. Which sucks beyond suck, but it's something that I knew would happen when they decided to go to the other building.

On top of that, we have all changed in some way. And for some, not in a direction best suited for our relationship and it is obvious they are slowing drifting into another person, putting us secondary. That is hard to swallow. I have been confronted with a friendship degrading at its core... When one party gives up and stops caring, then it's very hard for me to keep giving it my all... do I quit, too? Do I let it go? Ignore it? Ignore them? Easier said than done... When you have invested a considerable amount of time and energy into a friendship, you don't want to see it crumble because you suddenly aren't "cool" enough for the other half. The beginning of the end, I guess. It just doesn't feel like it used to.

I should be studying Biology, but I don't wanna. I want to write and I want to feel better, feel empowered....I want to go back to being a little kid when life wasn't so complicated. And I want it to be Christmas. But in all reality, I just want to FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN, because I'm not a fan of the person who has taken me over the last few months...

But I should be content, right? I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't worry, because in all reality, I have no control. Not even a little. I know that God is holding me up and carrying me, leading me through it all... but sometimes, sometimes I feel like I just can't. Like I'm too weak. He has given me too much to carry...and now I don't have as many people to help me carry it all because of this stupid change that has spun my world.

Deep breaths.

I am thankful for a God who knows my deepest pains, wishes, and needs without me saying a word. I can give up for just a minute, letting Him comfort me because regardless of what happens here and what change comes my way, He loves me and will take care of me. This world is not my home, right?

Therapy

Therapy can come in all shapes and forms... Talking through things, an evening alone, or my personal favorite, laughter. I've written about (non-religious) fellowship before, and that is therapeutic to me. As I continue to struggle through my stresses and day to day...things, I am constantly looking for forms of therapy, ways to get out of stress. Today was one of those days where I had plenty I could be doing, but none of it pressing and I lacked any and all motivation to work on anything. So after a random proclamation, we decided to hit Chick-Fil-A. At first it was just going to be Anissa and me, then Ariel decided to join followed by Kristina and Libby. A reunion of our old suite. Sitting at a fast food restaurant, catching up on life gave me a strange flashback to last year and a fast forward to a few years when we reunite after time apart, on our own trails of life. Being with these girls is just exactly what I need sometimes. An impromptu journey to a common place and time to catch up and laugh. So much laughing... When they say laughter is the best medicine, they aren't joking. In a bad mood? Go laugh.

 

Honestly, it's really hard on me to not live with all of these girls any more... I know we're still on this tiny campus together, but it just doesn't feel right. The only time we had to catch up was at curfew, and we don't have that together any more.

I have Ariel and Anissa almost constantly, but not having Kristina and Libby creates a weird void in my life...like a part of my routine is severely lacking.

 

We get so busy, understandably, and start to miss out on each other.

 

But the thing is, with family, you can pick up right where you left off. For that, I am thankful.

 

After Chick-Fil-A, it began pouring down rain. When we got back to campus, we raced into the dorm, dripping with rain.

"I kind of want to play in the rain...you know, jump in puddles...and continue to not do any schoolwork." I said.

"Let's do it!" Anissa encouraged. I changed clothes, and away we went, with Ariel taking pictures from our window.

 

There are times when you have to take a break from being an adult. When you set down responsibility and go play in the rain. Run, dance, sing, squeal, jump in puddles. All of it. Therapy.

 

Childhood is something to learn from, and I refuse to fully give up being a kid. Sometimes, I will ignore what I should do...and do what I want. Put it off to let go for just one afternoon. Life is too short to not take advantage of chicken and puddle jumping.

 

 

I just want to own a bicycle and ride it through fall leaves..

Weird title, I know.

But that's how I feel. Like I just want to hop on a bike and take a strolling ride through Tennessee fall, escape from everything.

It's so easy to feel like life is spiraling out of control, away from our grasp. As if this is the time you wont be able to get it back, it is just too far gone. You don't even realize things are spinning until you get so dizzy you fall down and are too disoriented to make a recovery.

I'd say college is a pretty common catalyst for such a feeling, and understandably so. But that certainly doesn't make it any easier to muddle through.

I have been experiencing some health implications I never expected and have never dealt with before. I've been trying to relearn my body and how much I can handle at once and how to remedy  the over exposure. When you slip so deep into a place of confusion, worry, and terror it's hard to remember how lucky you are. And it's so strange how, after weeks of feeling off kilter and just kind of blah, you can suddenly feel every emotion in the book...left gasping for air and grappling for the words to express your current state. You want to cry, scream, laugh, smile, dance, die. And then you are hit with a presence so heavy it cannot be shaken, and that is of an amazing God. Who is there to pick you up off the floor after you've fallen, dizzy from that whirlwind called life that swept you up and tossed you mercilessly.  Your body goes limp and even though you are all alone, it feels like you're in the best most comforting hug of your life. He holds you even when you can stand on your own...and he's there as soon as you fall. A doting father, kissing boo-boos and bandaging scrapped knees because you are His child and He does not want you to feel pain.

Even through His love and support, things are hard. They happen fast and you don't know how to handle them and feel like just giving up. That's why He sends people into your life who are filling to pick up your life and carry it for you, or teach you how.

And as you finally feel as though you are figuring things out, your mind shifts from yourself and what's going wrong to how He can make things right. You begin to feel the pain of others and your position shifts...now you can help others carry their burdens. Teach them to walk on their own, so that they can do the same for another. But sometimes the process is slow...and it's hard to realize it's happening.

God knows our struggles, but that doesn't mean we don't have to pray to Him. If anything, we should pray even more. For understanding, strength, higher compassion and even more, thank Him for what and who has been put in your life.

Sometimes things just suck, plain and simple. Your body gives up, your mind gives up...but your God never even considers it. He convinces your mind to convince your body that this war is worth the fight and you return to the battlefield, wounded but determined.

Every experience has the opportunity to bring us closer to God if we let it. I've chosen to see how I need to love deeper, pray with more heart... remember I am never alone and I am loved more than my mortal mind could ever possibly imagine. That when I just cannot take a single thing more, to hand something on my plate to someone else.

God knew what He was doing when He created more than one person on this earth. What kind of story would life be if it only consisted of one character?

Slowly, with His support, I arise...

The Art and Comfort of Fellowship

When one hears the word fellowship, I would assume the immediate thought would be to something religious, which is probably how it is used for the most part. Like, brothers and sisters in Christ come together in fellowship to worship. But it can be used in ways disconnected from religion... I consider anytime you come together with the people who mean the most to you, and feel renewed, suddenly enlightened by life and ready to begin again, well, that is fellowship. It is to be suddenly hit with the feeling of how thankful you are...when you are having a horrible horrible day and those people lift you up and remind you why it is so much better to be happy. They show you how to let things roll off, they carry your burdens on their shoulders just to see you get relief. They hold your hand and look right in your eyes and tell you the truth, even if the truth is really the last thing you want to hear. When you are folded within the group you feel at home with...almost more than you do at your actual home.

Fellowship.
Pulling each other through, enjoying each other, enjoying it all...
What a great thing fellowship is... How does anyone get by without it?

I have been beyond blessed with the people in my life. My high school friends, who still remain important to me and hold a special nook in my heart gave me fellowship for the years that shaped my very being. And now, my college friends continue to carry me around and keep me stable.

This past week has been wonderful in a sense and terrible in another. My emotions have been on the extreme side of whatever they may be...mad=furious, sad=depressed, happy=over the top, but with a harder fall...and I just haven't been able to balance myself. (Thanks, PCOS. ) Every little thing has, somehow, been a personal attack on me in my crazy mind full of unbalanced hormones bouncing around like a sugar high child in a bouncy castle... For those of you who don't understand (because I know there are many), having a good, normal day is like trying to climb up a steep hill made of loose gravel using only your hands. It's hard. It's a forced effort... and I'm getting tired.

So right now, fellowship is what is keeping me afloat. It reminds me of what  I have and who I have, and I love that. 

Sometimes, a night out getting ice cream and jamming with the girls is what I need to bring myself up to the top of that gravel mountain. It doesn't mean I wont fall back down, but I made it for a little while. And at this point if is just so refreshing to feel happy and carefree for even a little while.

Stream of Consciousness

There is a word tornado in my head right now, swirling and twirling in a terrifying yet somewhat graceful funnel crumpling the structures of my thoughts like it's no big deal. Like it has no feelings for the things it is affecting.
This happens to me far too much, if you ask me. I suddenly feel discontented, unable to focus on a singular task or topic. So much is happening in such little time, my emotions on it all are lost in the jumble and I don't know whether I should be laughing or crying or screaming or jumping with glee... It's extremely frustrating... Is this a woman thing? I dunno.
I leave for school in exactly 2 days now, and while I am beyond thrilled to see people there, I am sad to leave people here. I am excited to get on with my degree, but terrified that the real world is coming so fast.
When did I get to be this old?
Wasn't THIS yesterday? Or at least the day before... Maybe last week?

 

But no...that was about 15 years ago. WHHHA?
So I sit here and I hold my breathe hoping that maybe if I wish hard enough, I will be able to freeze time for just a second... To take an extra breathe. To smile a little longer. To pray a little harder. To savor the day, the moment I am currently living.

I don't know how to be happy when so many things are happening at once.

 

And then, while I'm digesting this whole growing up/school thing on top of other personal struggles, I am suddenly in dire need to know what my purpose is in life.

Uhm...can't this wait? I ask my brain.
No...this is very important. Just as important as everything that is happening RIGHT NOW. Why would you ever ask such a question!!?! It replies, scoffing at my obvious ignorance.

 

If I had a good brick wall near, I could guarantee my head would meet it few times in hope of a solution.

 

Can I just stop life right now and move to a tree house nestled with the branches of a willow tree that is made of books and supplies never ending cups of hot tea? Can I wear whimsical lace dresses and have perfect curly hair adorned with sweet little bows? Can I have the perfect view of the countryside from one angle and the big city from the other? Can I be friends with the animals (because they don't cause as many problems as humans, let's face it.)? Can I dance and sing and fall into the grass every evening and just relish in the beauty of the world and the dreamland I reside as I count the stars?

 

I came across the quote "You will find it necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy." And I understand it so deeply. I wish I could drop everything. All of it. Every worry, every thought, and just be. It is much easier said than done to empty one's mind. I try to do so with prayer, but that's always when my thoughts decide they clearly need Ritalin, but they can't stay still...and it makes my discontent, my nervousness, even worse. I'm pretty sure it should be opposite... So most of my prayers lately haven't been in words, but simply feelings... yearnings, desires, thanksgiving that I just cannot express.

 

...and now I'm out of comprehendible words and this is hardly a stream of consciousness at all.

 

Alright... I'm gonna go to my imaginary place for a while and try to make sense of my life. Wish me luck!

 

 

Hellos Always Start with Good Bye

It's that time again. This summer seriously flew by.... Shouldn't it still be June? What's going on here? It's no joke when people say the older you get the faster time goes, and honestly, that kind of sucks. I've certainly learned not to wish away any part of my life. Once a moment ends, there's really no going back.

I survived, and even thrived, my first year of college. This time last year I was basically in tears or close to it 24/7, fearing the change, the move, the...well, responsibility. It's scary to suddenly be in charge of yourself, to be an adult. I spent 18 years at home, and then one day it was time for me to go. I made the decision to go to Florida, but that didn't make the good byes any easier. Even though I am pretty excited to get back to my college life and the family I have created there, I will still probably cry when I say good bye to my TN friends and family. But this time, there's a little nugget of comfort in the back of my head reminding me what I am going back to and that we've made it through this separation before and we can all do it again.

I still can't quite process that I'm a sophomore in college. Only 3 years left until I get my degree and can begin teaching. Time snuck up on me... I've been working towards becoming a teacher since I was 6 years old. Now, out of nowhere, I'm 19 and I'm working my  butt of to get there. Crazy. My younger friends are now going through what I experienced last fall as they prepare to go on to this step of life. I know it is hard for them, and I certainly pray for their comfort and success.

This was a pretty good summer. Kind of boring, but I needed the break after spring semester. I got some work in, some friend time and parties in, lots of naps. Overall, it was a success. And having my FL friends visit throughout made our separation easier.

 

 Birthday visit from Ariel

 

Great Gatsby birthday celebration

 

Sounds game for Dad's father's day gift

 

 

 

 

Nick's birthday

 

 

Libby's surprise visit

 

 

Shopping days

 

 

 

Photo shoot with Mom

 

Repainting of my room...
(before)

 

(after)

 

Sarah's visit for Into the Woods

 

 

Garrett's visit for Into the Woods

 

My gift for Kristina

 

Emma's visit for Into the Woods

 

 

 

 

And now...we do it again!