Balance

I've noticed more and more how this life is a balancing act. It's like standing on a tight rope, one-legged, and juggling a bunch of hats- while wearing a sparkly two-two of course, because you might as well do it in style.

What we strive for is balance. No wobbling and gasping and flailing hands, but lasting stability.
Sometimes we sacrifice for balance...we drop a hat or instead of the two-two we go for yoga pants because let's face it, they're practical for tight rope walking and what not.
We may never find perfect balance, but that is what keeps things interesting. There's give and take.

There's so much to experience in this world, and for me, this is such a short and valuable time in my life that I can't afford to waste it. So I try to flow with the give and flow with the take.

Sometimes you call it an early night and sacrifice time with others.
Sometimes you stay up until 3 laughing until everything hurts and tears roll down your cheeks.
Sometimes you get up and go- try new things, wear new clothes, adventure.
Sometimes you stay in your pajamas all day and watch movies.

Sometimes you stay by yourself.
Sometimes you stay with everyone.

Sometimes you are responsible and go to class, do your work, go to work..
And sometimes you skip class to go to Disney World.

And in their own ways, all of life's options are beautiful and worthy of appreciation.

From this:

 

To this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Magical, I tell you. Magical. It may have been "irresponsible"...but for the sake of balance, we have to be irresponsible every now and then, right?

Stream of Consciousness

There is a word tornado in my head right now, swirling and twirling in a terrifying yet somewhat graceful funnel crumpling the structures of my thoughts like it's no big deal. Like it has no feelings for the things it is affecting.
This happens to me far too much, if you ask me. I suddenly feel discontented, unable to focus on a singular task or topic. So much is happening in such little time, my emotions on it all are lost in the jumble and I don't know whether I should be laughing or crying or screaming or jumping with glee... It's extremely frustrating... Is this a woman thing? I dunno.
I leave for school in exactly 2 days now, and while I am beyond thrilled to see people there, I am sad to leave people here. I am excited to get on with my degree, but terrified that the real world is coming so fast.
When did I get to be this old?
Wasn't THIS yesterday? Or at least the day before... Maybe last week?

 

But no...that was about 15 years ago. WHHHA?
So I sit here and I hold my breathe hoping that maybe if I wish hard enough, I will be able to freeze time for just a second... To take an extra breathe. To smile a little longer. To pray a little harder. To savor the day, the moment I am currently living.

I don't know how to be happy when so many things are happening at once.

 

And then, while I'm digesting this whole growing up/school thing on top of other personal struggles, I am suddenly in dire need to know what my purpose is in life.

Uhm...can't this wait? I ask my brain.
No...this is very important. Just as important as everything that is happening RIGHT NOW. Why would you ever ask such a question!!?! It replies, scoffing at my obvious ignorance.

 

If I had a good brick wall near, I could guarantee my head would meet it few times in hope of a solution.

 

Can I just stop life right now and move to a tree house nestled with the branches of a willow tree that is made of books and supplies never ending cups of hot tea? Can I wear whimsical lace dresses and have perfect curly hair adorned with sweet little bows? Can I have the perfect view of the countryside from one angle and the big city from the other? Can I be friends with the animals (because they don't cause as many problems as humans, let's face it.)? Can I dance and sing and fall into the grass every evening and just relish in the beauty of the world and the dreamland I reside as I count the stars?

 

I came across the quote "You will find it necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy." And I understand it so deeply. I wish I could drop everything. All of it. Every worry, every thought, and just be. It is much easier said than done to empty one's mind. I try to do so with prayer, but that's always when my thoughts decide they clearly need Ritalin, but they can't stay still...and it makes my discontent, my nervousness, even worse. I'm pretty sure it should be opposite... So most of my prayers lately haven't been in words, but simply feelings... yearnings, desires, thanksgiving that I just cannot express.

 

...and now I'm out of comprehendible words and this is hardly a stream of consciousness at all.

 

Alright... I'm gonna go to my imaginary place for a while and try to make sense of my life. Wish me luck!