The Daily Scavenge

Every day in the cafeteria, I become discouraged. I pay $2,000 a year for my meal plan so I don't starve... And yet, I, along with the other 500&something students, participate in what I like to call "The Daily Scavenge". Which is what it sounds like, really. The main dish looks ok...I'll try it. Sit down, discover meat is half cooked and they somehow screwed up green beans (HOW?). Push the plate aside... Do they have good pizza today? Eh...not so much.. Cereal? I've had it 6 times this week already. I'm tired of Cheerios. Ok. Good ol' standby... my 12th PB&J this week.

And that with the help of canned foods in my room is how I do not starve as a college student.

But, I've been participating in a different kind of daily scavenge. I had a picture and story published in THIS  book last year. The project was originally created by a woman who had failed to see the good in things, enjoy the little bits of life and dug herself into a dark place.
As I have isolated myself a bit more this semester and been struggling with stress and emotions within myself, I want to prevent myself from going into that same dark place. Because where there are dark places...there are usually spiders, and I'm just not ok with spiders. So my new Daily Scavenge is to find something in EVERY day that I am thankful for... take a picture of it, and record it here with the tag daily scavenge. That way I can come back to them and remember how beautiful that flower was or how good that cup of tea was. Even the worst of days are not all bad. I realize how hard it is to remember that when things get overwhelming. Maybe one day, I'll print out all of my pictures and hang them in a room. How wonderful would it be to be surrounded by all of the little things that make you happy? How could one be sad then?

Also, as a disclaimer, don't expect these all to be good pictures. I'm sure many will be taken with my cell phone...which is far from "smart". They'll probably be pretty grainy. But it's whatever... It's the point.

And I want to challenge you to see the point...to partake in the daily scavenge.

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Stream of Consciousness

There is a word tornado in my head right now, swirling and twirling in a terrifying yet somewhat graceful funnel crumpling the structures of my thoughts like it's no big deal. Like it has no feelings for the things it is affecting.
This happens to me far too much, if you ask me. I suddenly feel discontented, unable to focus on a singular task or topic. So much is happening in such little time, my emotions on it all are lost in the jumble and I don't know whether I should be laughing or crying or screaming or jumping with glee... It's extremely frustrating... Is this a woman thing? I dunno.
I leave for school in exactly 2 days now, and while I am beyond thrilled to see people there, I am sad to leave people here. I am excited to get on with my degree, but terrified that the real world is coming so fast.
When did I get to be this old?
Wasn't THIS yesterday? Or at least the day before... Maybe last week?

 

But no...that was about 15 years ago. WHHHA?
So I sit here and I hold my breathe hoping that maybe if I wish hard enough, I will be able to freeze time for just a second... To take an extra breathe. To smile a little longer. To pray a little harder. To savor the day, the moment I am currently living.

I don't know how to be happy when so many things are happening at once.

 

And then, while I'm digesting this whole growing up/school thing on top of other personal struggles, I am suddenly in dire need to know what my purpose is in life.

Uhm...can't this wait? I ask my brain.
No...this is very important. Just as important as everything that is happening RIGHT NOW. Why would you ever ask such a question!!?! It replies, scoffing at my obvious ignorance.

 

If I had a good brick wall near, I could guarantee my head would meet it few times in hope of a solution.

 

Can I just stop life right now and move to a tree house nestled with the branches of a willow tree that is made of books and supplies never ending cups of hot tea? Can I wear whimsical lace dresses and have perfect curly hair adorned with sweet little bows? Can I have the perfect view of the countryside from one angle and the big city from the other? Can I be friends with the animals (because they don't cause as many problems as humans, let's face it.)? Can I dance and sing and fall into the grass every evening and just relish in the beauty of the world and the dreamland I reside as I count the stars?

 

I came across the quote "You will find it necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy." And I understand it so deeply. I wish I could drop everything. All of it. Every worry, every thought, and just be. It is much easier said than done to empty one's mind. I try to do so with prayer, but that's always when my thoughts decide they clearly need Ritalin, but they can't stay still...and it makes my discontent, my nervousness, even worse. I'm pretty sure it should be opposite... So most of my prayers lately haven't been in words, but simply feelings... yearnings, desires, thanksgiving that I just cannot express.

 

...and now I'm out of comprehendible words and this is hardly a stream of consciousness at all.

 

Alright... I'm gonna go to my imaginary place for a while and try to make sense of my life. Wish me luck!