Balance

I've noticed more and more how this life is a balancing act. It's like standing on a tight rope, one-legged, and juggling a bunch of hats- while wearing a sparkly two-two of course, because you might as well do it in style.

What we strive for is balance. No wobbling and gasping and flailing hands, but lasting stability.
Sometimes we sacrifice for balance...we drop a hat or instead of the two-two we go for yoga pants because let's face it, they're practical for tight rope walking and what not.
We may never find perfect balance, but that is what keeps things interesting. There's give and take.

There's so much to experience in this world, and for me, this is such a short and valuable time in my life that I can't afford to waste it. So I try to flow with the give and flow with the take.

Sometimes you call it an early night and sacrifice time with others.
Sometimes you stay up until 3 laughing until everything hurts and tears roll down your cheeks.
Sometimes you get up and go- try new things, wear new clothes, adventure.
Sometimes you stay in your pajamas all day and watch movies.

Sometimes you stay by yourself.
Sometimes you stay with everyone.

Sometimes you are responsible and go to class, do your work, go to work..
And sometimes you skip class to go to Disney World.

And in their own ways, all of life's options are beautiful and worthy of appreciation.

From this:

 

To this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Magical, I tell you. Magical. It may have been "irresponsible"...but for the sake of balance, we have to be irresponsible every now and then, right?

Call me Crazy...

As I am finishing my second Monday of the semester and beginning the second full week, I am....tired. Nothing philosophical about it. I am dead tired. I could go to bed right now and easily not wake up until tomorrow at 8:00. I crave a hot bath with soothing music, where I can just soak for at least an hour- refilling the tub with freshly steaming water every 15 minutes or so. I would slip my head under the water and close my eyes, basking in the comfort calm and darkness. But instead, I have lesson plans to analyze and write and I have to clean and I have to do laundry and 10,000 other things and I am back to the majority of my year.
It is so easy to get bogged down with all of the things I need to do that I forget to enjoy this experience. I am only in college for one more year after this, and then I will be out in the world. I am hit with this realization more often this year than ever before. I have found myself putting off doing dishes, or pushing a pile of laundry aside, or closing my textbook to just sit and laugh with the people I hold so dear and know I will not always be with. College is a unique experience, but what is even more unique is college at FC. This place is not normal...No, it is far from your usual college. This place creates family out of people who start out as total strangers making awkward small talk. Family that will separate after just a few years of being together and roam the world to shine their lights. This is not time to take for granted.


But I knew all of that. What I am realizing more than ever in the short period I've been working this semester is that my heart is where it should be. As I write these lesson plans and read about truly teaching children and educational policy, I have a thousand thoughts. I think "No wonder people complain about the education system" from time to time... But more than anything, I see the faces of the children I have already worked with in my life. I think about that time one of my kids finally understood place value and had a celebratory dance session. I think about the love I have for these children who have touched my life so exponentially and I think, "How could I want to do anything else?"

I am reminded that through hard work and determination can come beautiful successes. And I feel a ball of excitement (and a twinge of nerves) well up within my stomach.

I recently had to write my "educational philosophy" for admittance into the education program, and it felt like spilling my heart onto paper.

It read,

When I was six years old and sitting in my first grade classroom, I decided I wanted to be a teacher one day. I remember watching my teacher, Mrs. Cheatham, writing new spelling words on the overhead projector. I scribbled them down, picturing how much fun it would be to be a teacher and get to write on an overhead every day. While my reasoning may not have been very sound then, my dream never wavered. Once I entered high school, my future goal became a true passion. I encountered teachers who made me realize the impact that educators have in the lives of their students. It was then that I also started realizing how lucky I was to have the life that I have had. My eyes were opened to situations that some children are helplessly tossed into. I heard phrases like “never had a chance” and “well, look at his family” used to describe my peers or those younger than I. I don’t remember the exact moment, but one day a light bulb went off and I knew that I was meant to use my love of learning and my care for children to fight for those who “never had a chance” because “look at their families”. I don’t expect to be a teacher who has a Hallmark movie made about her, but I know that I have a chance to represent Christ in a way I wouldn’t have in any other profession. I will have the chance to be a role model for children who may really need to know that someone cares.        

To me, education is more than books and math problems. It’s a window into this world and a chance for a better life. I’ve seen people I love destroy their lives with drugs, I have seen promising young students give up, and I have seen where they ended up. It is my mission to prove to children at a young age that learning is a beautiful opportunity and regardless of their educational success, life circumstances, and all else, that they are loved and important. They are too good to succumb to the evils of this world and throw away the incredible things they could accomplish. Teaching isn’t just a job or a paycheck, it’s the chance to help even just one child recognize their potential and rise above circumstance. I want to teach in low income schools. I know it will be hard, but I also know that this is what my heart is meant to do. I could never imagine doing anything other than teaching and I am willing to work as hard as I have to in order to become the best teacher I can possibly be.


My goal, my purpose, is to show children that they are so so valuable. And while I can't tell them, I want them to know that they are in fact, so valuable, that someone died for them. Someone suffered pure agony and torture for them. That what they are born into does not hold them hostage and that they are loved.
I recently found a quote online that  I have on the door to my room now.

The ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.

I think I have opportunity to be that crazy person right in front of me...and I think I would be even crazier if I didn't take it.

 

Growing Up and Moving On

 

I have been on this earth for 20 years, 2 months, and 11 days. When compared to the number of years other people have lived, that is nothing. 

In my life I have forged incredible relationships, learned invaluable lessons, climbed [metaphorical] mountains, and I am no where near done.

In just a few days I will be packing up my belongings and trekking down to Florida for my third year. It's crazy that just three years I ago, I was a shaking tear-filled bundle of nerves. A baby bird stretching her wings for the first time and tiptoeing to the edge of the nest. The ground was a long way down and I didn't hold much confidence in my abilities. But I had faith that God would help me through and that I would be led to chances for growth, and I jumped. I spread my wings and flapped, teetering and jeering from side to side. Little gusts of wind would come along and help draft me upward until finally, I held my own. I flapped and I flapped...and I flew. Not for very long... I got winded and had to rest. But I did it.

I am no where near an expert. I still fall. A lot. Storms such as anxiety and depression blew me down. I am still growing and learning, and let me tell you, I am still terrified.
I was hit with the realization that I will be graduating from college in about a year and a half. Then I will be a real adult. Right now I am still in training. Now, next to my usual anxieties of germs and the possibility of illness, money in the here an now, I have things like "Will I be able to get a job?" "Will I be able to pay off my debts?" "Am I going to have to live with my parents?"
I have literally woken up in fits of panic and sweat over these thoughts.

I have a lot I want to do in my coming years. I have a lot to look forward to. Right now, I am having to remind myself of those and push away the fears that go with the future.

Right now, I am ready to take junior year by the horns and taking another step forward, because no matter how badly I might want to, there's no going back. Childhood is over. I'm in my 20's and I am going to enjoy it.

Bring it, world. I am stronger and I am even more stubborn than before. I am going to enjoy this life and these lessons.

Here we go.

Discontentment.

It is so easy to feel discontent. In fact, I think it's easier to feel discontent than it is to feel happy and at ease with what one has. Daily we are reminded of what we don't have. We don't have new, expensive things. We are not in a fulfilling job. We don't get to travel as much as we'd like.

Why is it so easy for that to take over our minds? Chances are, life isn't so bad.

My biggest issue with discontentment is my life placement. This age of college, while rewarding, feels like an eternal state of limbo. I am not a child, but I am not an "official" adult. My dorm is not quite home, but neither is home. I am working toward my life goal, but I am so eager to just be there. I am so ready to teach, to have my own place, to be settled.

Feeling discontent is a part of life...but it is something we can shake. It doesn't have to take over our thoughts. This sort of brings me back to my Daily Scavenge project. (which can be seen here: http://instagram.com/creativelyerin Or if you want to use the app, my username is creativelyerin Look me up!)

There is good hidden in the bad...there is strength hidden beneath weakness. Life is a classroom and you never stop learning, so I am reminded to stay patient and use this day as a learning experience. Today is making me better for tomorrow and so on. I may not be happy about it, but it is going to happen anyways, so I might as well get over it and take it head on.

I am making a pledge for this summer. I pledge to grow. I want to learn...I want to try new things. I want to go on more adventures.

Bring it, Summer 2014. Bring it, feelings of discontent. I have overcome more challenging things and I will not let you bring down my summer.

Unknown Beauty

A lot of my anxiety comes from the unknown and my lack of control. Anyone who knows me beyond the surface knows I struggle with this. When I get stressed, I feel like everything is spiraling out of MY control. It feels sort of like knocking over a glass of water. You bump it and can do nothing except watch it fall to the ground, shattering in a big mess of glass and liquid. While it is unlikely my life would ever get to the glass and liquid puddle, it is hard to fight the feeling that it is going there.

Long explanation short, I typically despise the unknown. Not knowing yet still harboring expectations puts me on edge.

Right now my stress lies in the fact I have so much to do and no time to do it. I only have four weeks of classes left...yet I have 4 papers, 6 tests+3 finals, 4 tutoring sessions, 1 General Knowledge test, and 1 Education Program application to get done. On top of banquet, Ariel's Bachelorette party, Sophomore cruise, kids' play, and packing. Needless to say, I'm stretched thin right now. Things are about to change severely and I don't do change any better than I do the unknown. I have been a whirl wind lately, trying to go-go-go, do-do-do to keep up.

But today was one of those days. One of those slow as molasses, sweet as sugar sort of Sundays. I think Sundays might be my favorite right now. They remind me to stop, breathe, and pray. When things are so busy and stressful, it's easy to push the thought that God is in control on the back burner. I know that it is ultimately true and that I will make it through whatever hurdle thrown at me, yet when I am suffocating underneath a list of to-do's, focus is lost. Today, my focus was regained and I feel refreshed.

                                                         
After church this morning, I ate and jumped right on my laundry or else I wouldn't be wearing pants tomorrow. I did some studying for one of my tests this week, started reading a book for a research paper, and even snuck a nap in there. I was feeling just plain good. I stepped outside, the warm sun hit my face and I was struck with a thought.

The unknown is a truly beautiful thing. Equally terrifying, but its beauty surpasses anything I have planned for my life. Just because I am unsure of future does not mean the future is unsure. God knows what's going to happen. He is always there with me, holding me when I can no longer stand. He is here to help me, not tear me down. Everything that is to happen from this moment forward is perfect. Does that mean it will all be easy and exactly what I want? Not even a little...but isn't that what is so great? God is in absolute control. I still make my choices and have a nugget of power in my path of life, but regardless of my life choices, one thing will always stay the same. I am living for Him, not for me.

 Why do I crave control when His plan is far superior than my own?

I don't know what I need. But God does. I just need to remember that in the end, what is stressing me out isn't important. I will get through my school work. I might not make the grades I want, but grades won't get me to heaven.

And just to top off a relaxing Sunday, we had a song service at church this evening. It was truly encouraging. One of those services where you just really feel it deep down. I am blessed. I have such an awesome, powerful, merciful, loving God. His hand in what is uncertain is beautiful and perfect.

Anxiety doesn't mean we are weak. It doesn't mean we don't have faith or trust in God. It means we question our own ability and those fears overcome the knowledge that God is strong and His plan for us is better than anything we can imagine.



I will be OK no matter what the unknown has written for me, Jesus is my assurance of that. How wonderful.

A Note to my Brothers & Sisters in Christ..

[ Note:
I am not saying I am perfect by any means. I am so full of faults I often become overwhelmed with how it doesn't make sense that God would even want to save me. I will admit, I struggle. I get bogged down with my earthly responsibilities and the first thing that gets pushed aside are spiritual. I will go a day without praying..and not even realize it. I rarely study my Bible for anything other than school... I get lost in "stuff" and "things" and the thing that is the absolute most important falls through the cracks. I am a human, and I am a sinner. And I try to do better, but I often fail. I am often afraid to admit my faults because of how I know those who come off as "good Christians" will turn up their nose rather than open their arms. ]

My darling friend, Abby, got herself all worked up about this and I believe it deserves to be said in public, to be shared, to be shouted from the rooftops, because this topic is far too important to be ignored.

We are sinners.

We get wrapped up in our bubble and start to shut ourselves off from this world. I think we forget what sinners we are. We see a man who has been in prison and think "We must be better, we haven't committed that sin."
And yet.. we sin just the same. The difference is we have been redeemed. We have chosen to follow the way of God and work everyday at growing in our spiritual life. We want to be closer to God and farther from sin. Because of our desire to escape the world, we leave behind all of the lost souls within it. We choose not to speak to that woman...she is open about her loose sex life and dresses immodestly. She curses. She smokes. I want to stay away from her.
Is this not a sin itself? How easy is it for us to forget what our job is! Our sins are just as bad as that woman's...and if we completely isolate ourselves, ignore her, how will she ever hear about Jesus? If we turn up our noses and look the other way instead of smiling and offering her a kind word. Which of these would be an example of Jesus Christ? We are so afraid of being of the world, we try to get out of it all together. If you do not see your sin and do not realize that you are equal to this woman, you remain unwilling to speak to her, you are ineffective. We have to be able to talk to anyone about their sins, and yet it seems like we can't even admit our own sin to our brethren.

Our goal is to truly let our light shine and show people the love of Christ.

Our isolation makes us fail at our duty if we are not careful. Sex is an issue in this world, you might have to talk about it *gasp!* to someone to help them through their sin... Drugs. Alcohol.Theft. People do it and if we cannot address it, those people may be lost. We cannot wait for someone else to come around and do it for us...

If you have to experience a few moments of discomfort to save a soul, isn't it worth it?

And what about our attitude toward our brothers and sisters?
Here at FC, it is obvious there are cliques and various groups of people. And it is obvious that some people would not be caught dead talking to a person of a different group by free will. It's then that I stop and think, "What kind of family is this?" We are supposed to be willing to DIE for our brother and yet we cannot sit next to him because he isn't like us? Isn't well dressed enough? Isn't good enough?


Then what have we become...


What good are we doing?


We've fallen deeper into our own selfish sin and we are doing nothing. This world, this life, becomes our idol and we forget that we are supposed to do something, not for ourselves, but for Christ!

We have to change. There is no other option. When it becomes a fear of judgement for us to confess our sins to one another, there is a problem. We put up a facade of being perfect Christians, when in reality we are not living at all like Christ.

Jesus spent his time with the sinners...the people who needed him. He rebuked. He loved, oh how he loved, everyone...all of us.

We have to change before we are all lost. Talk the talk. Walk the walk... Reach out to anyone in need. Who knows...maybe your smile and kind attitude will change that person's outlook. Maybe he'll take you up on your invitation to church. And maybe if we all act how we are commanded, he will walk into a building full of true Christians who admit their fault as much as their desire to do better. A group of people who love so deeply it is nearly unfathomable. And maybe he'll see the good in this world, which is its savior, Jesus Christ.

But until then, we are simply wearing masks to fool ourselves and cast judgement on others.

We have to change.

Don't Blink

I am convinced more and more each day that life is merely a series of blinks. I would estimate that the nearly 20 years of my life have actually been...approximately 4 blinks. So that's about 5 years per blink...that sounds accurate, right? I sit here on my couch in my college dorm room, on the 6th week of these 15 weeks of the last semester of my sophomore year...wrapped in a Little Mermaid blanket I've had since I was 7 and I wonder, shouldn't I still be 7? Shouldn't I still be running around outside, barefooted, pretending to be a Pokemon master or playing school with my dolls? Yet I am not. I'm planning a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends who will be trading in her maiden name for a new one this summer. I am making plans for the future, seeing as I only have a measly 2 years left in college (less than one whole blink). What is this nonsense?

Time is such a strange being...and it really does seem to move faster the older I get. It is super odd for me to try to imagine where I might be in 10 years, almost 30 years old. What job will I have? Where will I live? And the answer to any question I could possibly formulate about my future holds the same answer, "I don't know..." I can say what I hope for my days to come. I can explain my ambitions, my plans...but in the end those mean almost nothing. I can control the very basics and the rest is left floating in the unknown. I've spent a lot of time in prayer recently on this very topic. Thanking God for the time I've been given and asking for guidance for the time I will (Lord willing) have from this moment. Sometimes I just feel so lost because of the unknown. I have to remind myself that everything will work whether I know the outcome or not (which I don't).

I have to say, though. These past 4 blinks have been pretty spectacular. There were weary moments. Days I questioned if I was strong enough to push through...days I could have sworn were never going to end. I get tired and run down...I get weak...but the great thing is, this world is so much give and take, push and pull, ebb and flow, that I bounce back. Energized, inspired, fearless, mighty.
Our blinks are quick...a pretty intelligent man once stated that life is but a vapor...We can't sit around and wait for those days of redemption. And thus, I continue my #dailyscavenge #365grateful project because I need the reminders on those days I feel like I can't get up from a day full of falling. My blinks are far too precious to throw away.

Here's a peek into these past 4 blinks...