Unknown Beauty

A lot of my anxiety comes from the unknown and my lack of control. Anyone who knows me beyond the surface knows I struggle with this. When I get stressed, I feel like everything is spiraling out of MY control. It feels sort of like knocking over a glass of water. You bump it and can do nothing except watch it fall to the ground, shattering in a big mess of glass and liquid. While it is unlikely my life would ever get to the glass and liquid puddle, it is hard to fight the feeling that it is going there.

Long explanation short, I typically despise the unknown. Not knowing yet still harboring expectations puts me on edge.

Right now my stress lies in the fact I have so much to do and no time to do it. I only have four weeks of classes left...yet I have 4 papers, 6 tests+3 finals, 4 tutoring sessions, 1 General Knowledge test, and 1 Education Program application to get done. On top of banquet, Ariel's Bachelorette party, Sophomore cruise, kids' play, and packing. Needless to say, I'm stretched thin right now. Things are about to change severely and I don't do change any better than I do the unknown. I have been a whirl wind lately, trying to go-go-go, do-do-do to keep up.

But today was one of those days. One of those slow as molasses, sweet as sugar sort of Sundays. I think Sundays might be my favorite right now. They remind me to stop, breathe, and pray. When things are so busy and stressful, it's easy to push the thought that God is in control on the back burner. I know that it is ultimately true and that I will make it through whatever hurdle thrown at me, yet when I am suffocating underneath a list of to-do's, focus is lost. Today, my focus was regained and I feel refreshed.

                                                         
After church this morning, I ate and jumped right on my laundry or else I wouldn't be wearing pants tomorrow. I did some studying for one of my tests this week, started reading a book for a research paper, and even snuck a nap in there. I was feeling just plain good. I stepped outside, the warm sun hit my face and I was struck with a thought.

The unknown is a truly beautiful thing. Equally terrifying, but its beauty surpasses anything I have planned for my life. Just because I am unsure of future does not mean the future is unsure. God knows what's going to happen. He is always there with me, holding me when I can no longer stand. He is here to help me, not tear me down. Everything that is to happen from this moment forward is perfect. Does that mean it will all be easy and exactly what I want? Not even a little...but isn't that what is so great? God is in absolute control. I still make my choices and have a nugget of power in my path of life, but regardless of my life choices, one thing will always stay the same. I am living for Him, not for me.

 Why do I crave control when His plan is far superior than my own?

I don't know what I need. But God does. I just need to remember that in the end, what is stressing me out isn't important. I will get through my school work. I might not make the grades I want, but grades won't get me to heaven.

And just to top off a relaxing Sunday, we had a song service at church this evening. It was truly encouraging. One of those services where you just really feel it deep down. I am blessed. I have such an awesome, powerful, merciful, loving God. His hand in what is uncertain is beautiful and perfect.

Anxiety doesn't mean we are weak. It doesn't mean we don't have faith or trust in God. It means we question our own ability and those fears overcome the knowledge that God is strong and His plan for us is better than anything we can imagine.



I will be OK no matter what the unknown has written for me, Jesus is my assurance of that. How wonderful.

A Note to my Brothers & Sisters in Christ..

[ Note:
I am not saying I am perfect by any means. I am so full of faults I often become overwhelmed with how it doesn't make sense that God would even want to save me. I will admit, I struggle. I get bogged down with my earthly responsibilities and the first thing that gets pushed aside are spiritual. I will go a day without praying..and not even realize it. I rarely study my Bible for anything other than school... I get lost in "stuff" and "things" and the thing that is the absolute most important falls through the cracks. I am a human, and I am a sinner. And I try to do better, but I often fail. I am often afraid to admit my faults because of how I know those who come off as "good Christians" will turn up their nose rather than open their arms. ]

My darling friend, Abby, got herself all worked up about this and I believe it deserves to be said in public, to be shared, to be shouted from the rooftops, because this topic is far too important to be ignored.

We are sinners.

We get wrapped up in our bubble and start to shut ourselves off from this world. I think we forget what sinners we are. We see a man who has been in prison and think "We must be better, we haven't committed that sin."
And yet.. we sin just the same. The difference is we have been redeemed. We have chosen to follow the way of God and work everyday at growing in our spiritual life. We want to be closer to God and farther from sin. Because of our desire to escape the world, we leave behind all of the lost souls within it. We choose not to speak to that woman...she is open about her loose sex life and dresses immodestly. She curses. She smokes. I want to stay away from her.
Is this not a sin itself? How easy is it for us to forget what our job is! Our sins are just as bad as that woman's...and if we completely isolate ourselves, ignore her, how will she ever hear about Jesus? If we turn up our noses and look the other way instead of smiling and offering her a kind word. Which of these would be an example of Jesus Christ? We are so afraid of being of the world, we try to get out of it all together. If you do not see your sin and do not realize that you are equal to this woman, you remain unwilling to speak to her, you are ineffective. We have to be able to talk to anyone about their sins, and yet it seems like we can't even admit our own sin to our brethren.

Our goal is to truly let our light shine and show people the love of Christ.

Our isolation makes us fail at our duty if we are not careful. Sex is an issue in this world, you might have to talk about it *gasp!* to someone to help them through their sin... Drugs. Alcohol.Theft. People do it and if we cannot address it, those people may be lost. We cannot wait for someone else to come around and do it for us...

If you have to experience a few moments of discomfort to save a soul, isn't it worth it?

And what about our attitude toward our brothers and sisters?
Here at FC, it is obvious there are cliques and various groups of people. And it is obvious that some people would not be caught dead talking to a person of a different group by free will. It's then that I stop and think, "What kind of family is this?" We are supposed to be willing to DIE for our brother and yet we cannot sit next to him because he isn't like us? Isn't well dressed enough? Isn't good enough?


Then what have we become...


What good are we doing?


We've fallen deeper into our own selfish sin and we are doing nothing. This world, this life, becomes our idol and we forget that we are supposed to do something, not for ourselves, but for Christ!

We have to change. There is no other option. When it becomes a fear of judgement for us to confess our sins to one another, there is a problem. We put up a facade of being perfect Christians, when in reality we are not living at all like Christ.

Jesus spent his time with the sinners...the people who needed him. He rebuked. He loved, oh how he loved, everyone...all of us.

We have to change before we are all lost. Talk the talk. Walk the walk... Reach out to anyone in need. Who knows...maybe your smile and kind attitude will change that person's outlook. Maybe he'll take you up on your invitation to church. And maybe if we all act how we are commanded, he will walk into a building full of true Christians who admit their fault as much as their desire to do better. A group of people who love so deeply it is nearly unfathomable. And maybe he'll see the good in this world, which is its savior, Jesus Christ.

But until then, we are simply wearing masks to fool ourselves and cast judgement on others.

We have to change.

Don't Blink

I am convinced more and more each day that life is merely a series of blinks. I would estimate that the nearly 20 years of my life have actually been...approximately 4 blinks. So that's about 5 years per blink...that sounds accurate, right? I sit here on my couch in my college dorm room, on the 6th week of these 15 weeks of the last semester of my sophomore year...wrapped in a Little Mermaid blanket I've had since I was 7 and I wonder, shouldn't I still be 7? Shouldn't I still be running around outside, barefooted, pretending to be a Pokemon master or playing school with my dolls? Yet I am not. I'm planning a bachelorette party for one of my closest friends who will be trading in her maiden name for a new one this summer. I am making plans for the future, seeing as I only have a measly 2 years left in college (less than one whole blink). What is this nonsense?

Time is such a strange being...and it really does seem to move faster the older I get. It is super odd for me to try to imagine where I might be in 10 years, almost 30 years old. What job will I have? Where will I live? And the answer to any question I could possibly formulate about my future holds the same answer, "I don't know..." I can say what I hope for my days to come. I can explain my ambitions, my plans...but in the end those mean almost nothing. I can control the very basics and the rest is left floating in the unknown. I've spent a lot of time in prayer recently on this very topic. Thanking God for the time I've been given and asking for guidance for the time I will (Lord willing) have from this moment. Sometimes I just feel so lost because of the unknown. I have to remind myself that everything will work whether I know the outcome or not (which I don't).

I have to say, though. These past 4 blinks have been pretty spectacular. There were weary moments. Days I questioned if I was strong enough to push through...days I could have sworn were never going to end. I get tired and run down...I get weak...but the great thing is, this world is so much give and take, push and pull, ebb and flow, that I bounce back. Energized, inspired, fearless, mighty.
Our blinks are quick...a pretty intelligent man once stated that life is but a vapor...We can't sit around and wait for those days of redemption. And thus, I continue my #dailyscavenge #365grateful project because I need the reminders on those days I feel like I can't get up from a day full of falling. My blinks are far too precious to throw away.

Here's a peek into these past 4 blinks...

Caring Too Much

It is a pretty common joke on TV shows or movies that a character says his/her biggest flaw is "caring too much" in attempts to make them look better. While I see how this is a joke and that "caring too much" is supposed to be seen as a limb to perfection, but you know, I think it actually can be a flaw. Whhhha? Yeah, I know. It sounds silly. But as a person who suffers with anxiety, I would be the first to raise my hand and say caring has caused me grief (in the hypothetical and literal senses).

It is pretty easy to see that a lot of my anxiety comes from my lack of control. When things stray from a schedule or plan, my anxiety starts rising up slowly, and then stress  mixes with it to create a mixture more explosive than Mentos and Coke. I am perfectly reasonable in the sense that I realize I will never be able to control everything. I totally get that. Things will rarely go as planned. We will always leave later than scheduled. I cannot control other people...I am no puppet master and as far as I  know, I have yet to meet a living marionette. I am working on not letting these small things cause me anxiety.
 But the problem really lies in how deeply I care about certain things and people. Sometimes my heart feels so heavy with the misfortunes of this world and the pain I feel for others than I just cannot stand it. Many times I have literally dropped to my knees or curled in a ball and poured out every fiber of my being through tears in prayer. I tell God there is so much wrong in this world...I hate this world...I wish I could do more to help. I want to change things. The issues are right at the tip of my fingers, and yet I cannot reach them. I thirst to hold them in my hands and change it all to pixie dust. But I can't. I cannot alter the way people treat others. I cannot erase the evil, the struggle, the temptation. I just don't know what to do.
I ask God to show me how to help. I ask him to guide my words and my actions...

I feel so inadequate...as though I am never good enough and I just don't know how to be. By that, I mean, for God. Am I as good as I could be? No...but will I ever be? Am I doing all I can to bring as many people to God as possible? No!
Yesterday, a second grader at work asked why I leave early on Wednesdays. I told her it is so I have enough time to get ready for church.  "What do you do at church?" she asked. So, I explained that we sing and pray and study the Bible and that I teach a children's Bible class. Her little eyes widened and what she said next took me way off guard... "Will you tell me one thing about God?"
ONE thing? I wanted so badly to tell her EVERYTHING....when in reality I could tell her nothing... unless I was willing to put my job at risk. I wanted to tell her that God loves her more than she could ever know and that with Him she is never alone... I wanted to tell her that when you're with God, things don't seem so bad.... But I could say nothing. Her attention was redirected when another kid came up and asked her to play. I was just sitting there, with my mouth agape. My heart is always heavy with how much I care about those kids. I hate seeing them and knowing that there is such a big chance they are not being taught God's word. I worry about the decisions they will make as they get older and I reprimand when they say things no 6 year old should know, let alone be able to describe in detail. I worry about them all the time. They are in my every prayer, because I love every.single.one of them and I want their souls to be safe. All I can do is be an example. If that is all I can do, then I work so hard to be an excellent example. I WORRY about what kind of example I am to them. I WORRY if I am saying or doing the right things. I WORRY about if I'm actually helping them.

I WORRY.
I FEAR.
I am overcome.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am really cut out to be a teacher. The one thing I've wanted to do my whole life. The thing I was sure I could make a difference with. If I cannot handle not being able to save every student, how can I be a teacher.
Yet, I push those thoughts away and I thank God for the experience my job is giving me and I work. I know I am a teacher...I know I can make a difference. Even if I cannot change the world. How I wish I could change the world...

My point is, the amount I care about things causes me more anxiety than I can describe. I care about these people, but I cannot force them to make the right decisions. I cannot change their minds. I cannot take them away from pain and misfortune.

If I am to make a difference I cannot let worry and fear overcome me. If that means I have to crumple in prayer every ten minutes asking God for His help, I will. I have to be as strong as I try to be appear, and yet as weak as I really am.

Savior, While My Heart Is Tender

Savior, while my heart is tender,
I would yield that heart to Thee;
All my powers to Thee surrender,
Thine and only Thine to be.

Take me now, Lord Jesus, take me;
Let my youthful heart be Thine;
Thy devoted servant make me;
Fill my soul with love divine.

Send me, Lord, where Thou wilt send me,
Only do Thou guide my way;
May Thy grace through life attend me,
Gladly then shall I obey.

Let me do Thy will or bear it;
I would know no will but Thine;
Shouldst Thou take my life or spare it,
I that life to Thee resign.

May this solemn consecration
Never once forgotten be;
Let it know no revocation,
Registered and confirmed by Thee.

Thine I am, O Lord, for ever
To Thy service set apart;
Suffer me to leave Thee never,
Seal Thine image on my heart.

[Home] Sick Day

This morning, my goal was to sleep in as late as possible. That may sound pretty simple, but not for me. My body gets stuck on its own alarm and I wake up no later than 9. I was hoping to make it past 9...but I woke up at 7:00. 7:00 on MY DAY OFF. The one day since last Saturday I didn't have to set an alarm and I wake up like I actually have my 8:15 class. I rolled over and forced another, albeit interrupted, hour and a half of rest before trudging out of bed. I walked the whole 6 feet to the couch and dropped. The sun was streaming through the blinds and I suddenly got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I missed home. I wanted it to be a Tennessee spring day out with my dad. Or in...but with the windows open and the sound of a neighbor mowing his yard. I wanted to run around outside, barefooted, with my dog.

But I'm in Florida.

12 hours from home.

With a load of homework that has been neglected all weekend until the last possible moment (in true college kid fashion).

It was one of those moments where you can't help but roll your eyes. Not at anyone in particular, just at life in general.

I am so not in the mood for school... I want to go to the beach. To the park. To the mall. I want to go skydiving (ok...not really, but you get my point). I want out of this FC bubble for a little while and enjoy what's around me.

I think being homesick might be worse than having a cold... At least, for me. It wears me out just like being sick, but my brain gets extra foggy and I can't seem to focus or think about anything. Every time I tried to read or study, my thoughts would wander to how I want to be home, or out doing something that gets my mind off of the fact I want to be home.

There is no prescription to cure homesickness. It isn't a virus or an infection. It's a state of heart...when you know part of you belongs somewhere you aren't. Yet, on the other hand, you know the other part of you belongs right where you are. And everything gets conflicted.

I get to go home in March for spring break. And really, May is not that far away either. Then I will be home for the summer. I do not want to wish a second of my life away because I know just how fast it moves and that I will never get that second back.

Tomorrow is back to class. I have two tests this week, and 3 days of work. I have homework and laundry and dishes and Bible class to teach. I won't have time to think about how I miss home, but instead my wheels start turning and they will not stop for quite some time. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I will see you soon enough, Tennessee. For now, I have to get Florida in my mind, and more importantly, school in my mind.


A few of my recent #dailyscavenge #365grateful . I invite you to join me! If you're on Instagram, follow me ( creativelyerin or scroll down to the bottom of the page to find the link) and tag me along with the hashtags. I would love to see what you're thankful for!

(this actually wasn't one of my daily scavenge, but UHM...my roommate is engaged and I am pretty darn thankful for that.)

The Need for Me Time and not-so Me Time

There is something about having the perfect alone time that can make a day take a total 360. While I, from firsthand experience, do not advise too much alone time, it is essential for me to function.
There are times when the last thing I want is to be alone, and that is alright. But sometimes, I get so caught up in being with the people that I love that I forget to really take time for me. Usually, if I'm alone I'm playing around on the Internet, reading blogs or articles about who knows what...but I'm not so sure I consider that "me time". At least, not good me time.

My morning did not start out as I would've liked. I was exhausted last night and tried to go to bed early, but it just didn't quite work out...my sleep was interrupted almost hourly and I woke up less than rested to say the least. Then I found out I would have to end up paying more for something than I thought and budgeted for which frustrated me and frustration plus exhaustion almost always equals overreaction and tears (it did, if you were wondering). But luckily, today I had a 2 hour break after my 11:00 class. So, I grabbed some lunch, ran back to my room and fixed a pot of coffee. It brewed as I curled into my bed for a quick nap and made the whole room carry the comforting aroma of coffee. I slept for about half an hour and got up with my alarm to fix a cup of coffee (peppermint mocha creamer, I'm clinging to the last bit of the holidays). The rest of the time before class was spent drinking my coffee and just taking it slow and quiet. I am beginning to appreciate silence more and more... It gives me the opportunity to reflect, to pray, to just be. When you reconnect with yourself, it is much easier to stay connected to the world and your responsibilities. I don't remember the last time  I felt so rejuvenated. I am still pretty exhausted, but my mood has changed exponentially.

Being alone offers time set aside to think about things in depth. It can result in personal reminders of what I'm after in this life. What am I trying to achieve? What can I do to lift someone's spirits? How have I glorified God with my life lately? It is valuable time that I am grateful for. Sometimes it is just necessary to plan out time to give myself so I don't get overwhelmed with life.

That all being said, I also cherish my time with those I love. This semester it is a big goal of mine to soak up time with my friends... I have created friendships that I know in my heart of hearts will last a lifetime. I know that even if we have been apart for years, we will come back together and pick up like it was a night in the dorms, laughing or having deep discussions. I cannot express the blessings these girls are in my life. And I know it's going to be a sad parting after this semester. I am so sad to say it is out last semester all together, but I am beyond excited to see what we all do as we continue to grow. There is something special about our relationships and I refuse to take that for granted. These days are so precious to me. I am determined to try to spend as much time with them as much as possible. Even if that means just sitting in silence in the same room all doing separate homework or watching a movie.

These girls make me strive to be better. They encourage me. What a blessing it is to have such beautiful, caring, sisters in Christ.

Welcome to the world, 2014!

Well, when finals hit, I pretty much ignored the world in a way. Especially once I got home, I just tried to soak up my three weeks off from academia and responsibility to slow down...except I ended up being pretty busy and slow wasn't particularly how it ended up going. Regardless, I really enjoyed my vacation and I certainly wasn't ready for it to end. I'm back to reality now and classes start tomorrow. I get to begin my semester with golf at 9:15 tomorrow morning. Huzzah.

I have a lot to catch up on since I took quite the hiatus on this little online world of mine. I won't bother going back to Christmas...that's too far away. I will, however, touch on the year that we are now 6 days into. I got to start it off with one of my favorite groups of people. Sparklers, cider, and love abounding...what better way to start something new? I used to hate the dread of change that came with the new year...but now I see it as a place unexplored. There is endless potential, ceaseless opportunity and it is all mine for the taking. How wonderful is that? It is refreshing to say the least. I am ready and excited for the new that will enter my life in 2014, albeit sad to say so long to the days of 2013. I'm not much into new year's resolutions, but I am all for projects.

I spoke of doing a daily scavenge before, and now that I have a smart phone it is worlds easier. If  you follow me on Instagram, you've probably seen them all so far.. 365 pictures may seem like a lot, but in a world that can be filled with struggle, it will be nice to look back on the things I am thankful for. It will be a great reminder. In fact, it already is. On those days where nothing seems to go right, I am forced to find a nugget of joy. How is it we so easily overlook the purest of blessings? I am excited to keep this going every day... http://instagram.com/creativelyerin I invite you to join me! I use the hashtags #365grateful and #dailyscavenge

Another project is reading through the Bible this year. I am using a reading plan on my phone Bible (I use OliveTree).

I also want to write more. I feel so invigorated when I write, whether fiction or non... So hopefully I will be here weekly and make this blog feel a bit more homey. Maybe make more of an effort to make this a thing? Who knows what the future holds. Here are some of my favorite pictures from break.

Happy year of new opportunities!