Procrastination at its finest, ladies and gents

I have a million and one things I should be doing. Cleaning, studying Western Civ, studying Ephesians/Colossians, studying special ed, laundry, cleaning, oh, did I say cleaning? Because my room is a total wreck. I did manage to do the dishes, though. So, that's something, right?
Anyways, I'm pretty sure this blog is just another notch on the belt of things I can do to procrastinate.

First, I would like to complain for a moment about the fact I cannot sleep in. Unless I'm sick, then I can sleep forever. But, when I'm in normal health I cannot sleep past 9 at the latest and it is a celebration when I make it to 9. Today I woke up at 8:40, defeated. I was still observably tired, but apparently 8 hours of sleep is enough for me, so I got up...and it was FREEZING in my room. It got down to  the 40's last night (I KNOW!!!) and the heater in my dorm doesn't work. They ordered a part for it, but...in the meantime, I'm just waiting for one of my toes to literally fall off due to severe frost bite.

Anyways, I thought I'd take this time that I should be using for many other things to share some Daily Scavenge. And none of them include western civilization and the test that will steal my soul this coming Friday.

This was a rough week to say the least. I haven't been at my best and have felt like a wilted flower... But I found a lot of things to be thankful for. I am surely praising God for His love and the ways He shows it.

A cup of hot tea and snuggly blanket to end the day.

1) A mother who thinks of me and sends me sweet packages with a new scarf and my copy of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

2) The fact I got to wear a sweater and a scarf comfortably in Florida. In October.
3) The 3 Stooges light switch cover. I don't know who put it there to begin with, but it makes me smile.

This. And the fact it felt like a Tennessee spring day.

Some of my crazy kids at work playing. They are stressful, but I do love them.

A quiet Saturday morning and the return of coffee...even if it is decaf. Oh. And peppermint mocha creamer.

I found this old webcam picture from when Badge was still just a little bit. I miss him, but this picture warmed my heart. 30 days until Thanksgiving break.

 

And today, I get to volunteer at a Feed America Tampa Bay event. I'm super excited.

Do you have a Daily Scavenge you want to share?

Pot Holes Vs. Sink Holes

I think we all know that life is hardly perfect. We all encounter our own issues and difficulties and something to one person could be HUGE and the same thing could be small to another.

There are certainly different levels of "suck" and "wonderful" in life. When it comes to the negative, I'd say there are pot holes and sink holes.

A pot hole is simply, well, a pot hole. You should know what a pot hole is...but if not...here:

And a sink hole:

The difference is pretty obvious. A pot hole is a bump in the road. If it isn't tended to, it will grow, but it won't get out of control. It stops when the pavement stops.

But a sink hole? It doesn't stop. It swallows everything in its path, disregarding the pain it may be causing people. It gobbles up houses, cars, people, animals, anything...and drags it into the abyss.

But here's the thing. If left to stew, a metaphorical pot hole could turn into a metaphorical sink hole. We have to learn to take the pot holes with grace; just roll over it like a car. There will be a bump, but it can be conquered. I know I face a lot of pot holes. I also know I have ignored them, pushed them back thinking "that's silly, it'll go away." knowing deep down it probably won't. I've let all of those little silly pot holes grow, combine and swallow me up in a sink hole of thoughts and emotions. Suddenly, everything is blown out of proportion and the sink hole grows.

We have to be able to recognize the difference between a pot hole and a sink hole. Have a lot of school work and you're stressed? Pot hole. Conquer it. Get that work down, then reward yourself.
Been busy, haven't seen much of your friends? Set aside a day to enjoy them, even if you have to schedule it weeks in advance. Something doesn't turn out as planned? Reconfigure. Make it work. Compromise because sometimes things just don't do what we think they're supposed to.

It's when those things get ignored, the stress gets down played, that it festers within. When you haven't seen your friends in a while so you put yourself out there and get shot down. It pushes that pot hole a little deeper and now it means more so every little thing that could be taken in a negative way regarding it is taken as such and the pot hole turns into a sink hole. Suddenly, isolation sounds better than being with people because at least when you're in a room by yourself you know everyone there cares about you...and you feel like you just can't say the same anywhere else.

Sink holes are bad. And they only get worse if you give up. I've given up with a lot of my sink holes and now I'm trying to repair them, but, how exactly do you repair a sink hole? It's going to take a lot of dirt and a lot of people shoveling that dirt in...One person cannot do it all.

In other news, here are a few of my Daily Scavenge pictures:

The list the kids in the Bible class I teach provided of things they would look for in a future spouse.

My darling Sarah Kate doing something weird.

Getting pictures of this sweet little girl in text messages.

This terrifyingly hilarious picture of Eartha Kitt.

 

 

                                                     Finding pictures like this on my laptop and knowing I'll be back there in about 33 days.

The Daily Scavenge

Every day in the cafeteria, I become discouraged. I pay $2,000 a year for my meal plan so I don't starve... And yet, I, along with the other 500&something students, participate in what I like to call "The Daily Scavenge". Which is what it sounds like, really. The main dish looks ok...I'll try it. Sit down, discover meat is half cooked and they somehow screwed up green beans (HOW?). Push the plate aside... Do they have good pizza today? Eh...not so much.. Cereal? I've had it 6 times this week already. I'm tired of Cheerios. Ok. Good ol' standby... my 12th PB&J this week.

And that with the help of canned foods in my room is how I do not starve as a college student.

But, I've been participating in a different kind of daily scavenge. I had a picture and story published in THIS  book last year. The project was originally created by a woman who had failed to see the good in things, enjoy the little bits of life and dug herself into a dark place.
As I have isolated myself a bit more this semester and been struggling with stress and emotions within myself, I want to prevent myself from going into that same dark place. Because where there are dark places...there are usually spiders, and I'm just not ok with spiders. So my new Daily Scavenge is to find something in EVERY day that I am thankful for... take a picture of it, and record it here with the tag daily scavenge. That way I can come back to them and remember how beautiful that flower was or how good that cup of tea was. Even the worst of days are not all bad. I realize how hard it is to remember that when things get overwhelming. Maybe one day, I'll print out all of my pictures and hang them in a room. How wonderful would it be to be surrounded by all of the little things that make you happy? How could one be sad then?

Also, as a disclaimer, don't expect these all to be good pictures. I'm sure many will be taken with my cell phone...which is far from "smart". They'll probably be pretty grainy. But it's whatever... It's the point.

And I want to challenge you to see the point...to partake in the daily scavenge.

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Peeking Over the Ledge

No...things are not nearly the same this year. People and feelings have changed. I have changed. Things are harder...

While I am still very confused about some things and debating a lot...arguing with myself, really, I felt a new change today. A change within myself. I have been unable to find my positivity for the last 2 months. I had lost the Erin that could find good in everything, and I was afraid she would never come back. Today was the first day in a long time I did not have the overwhelming desire to be locked in my room away from everyone. It was the first time I felt hopeful of something regardless of the issues I still face. Do you know what it feels like to be so incredibly hopeless? Like nothing will get better and it will all obviously continue to get worse? I've been in that place That terrible, terrible place for months.

Last year, I was consumed by an awe of "I can't believe I am here! And with these people who I love and feel like I've known my entire life!" It was easy to see the light in all situations.

This year, I feel like I returned missing my limbs. "Just keep breathing...just get through." What a terrible feeling to wake up every day and convince yourself you just have to scrape by, make it until you could go to sleep again, because sleep (when you could get it) was the only way to really escape. Getting through is no way to live. I want to enjoy, not just breathe!

I'm still not there yet. I haven't climbed back to the top, but I think I was able to peek over the ledge just a little bit today. I could see a sliver of light in my dark. Will it last? I cannot say...but I hope so. It's exhausting to not be yourself.

But I feel my fire coming back... my passion for life is making a come back. I'm getting there. I can see over the ledge, and the world on that side? Covered in flowers and fall leaves.

Learning Change

I have never been the best with dealing with change. It made it really hard to come to Florida last fall and basically create a new life. But it soon became a beautiful life full of new experiences, new family, new reasons to be thankful... So I was really excited to get back this fall.

And sadly, it has disappointed in ways I could never imagine. Things are shifted, they aren't what they were last year. We're all a year older, in harder classes, living in different dorms and now suddenly it seems we are on different worlds. Last school year, my closest friends were in my very room, or a walk across the hall... Now, those who chose to live in the other dorm barely even exist. With our schedules, it's impossible to just hang out every day like we could last year, when we congregated in the room at curfew. It feels as though my family has been chopped down to 4, with occasional visitors. Which sucks beyond suck, but it's something that I knew would happen when they decided to go to the other building.

On top of that, we have all changed in some way. And for some, not in a direction best suited for our relationship and it is obvious they are slowing drifting into another person, putting us secondary. That is hard to swallow. I have been confronted with a friendship degrading at its core... When one party gives up and stops caring, then it's very hard for me to keep giving it my all... do I quit, too? Do I let it go? Ignore it? Ignore them? Easier said than done... When you have invested a considerable amount of time and energy into a friendship, you don't want to see it crumble because you suddenly aren't "cool" enough for the other half. The beginning of the end, I guess. It just doesn't feel like it used to.

I should be studying Biology, but I don't wanna. I want to write and I want to feel better, feel empowered....I want to go back to being a little kid when life wasn't so complicated. And I want it to be Christmas. But in all reality, I just want to FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN, because I'm not a fan of the person who has taken me over the last few months...

But I should be content, right? I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't worry, because in all reality, I have no control. Not even a little. I know that God is holding me up and carrying me, leading me through it all... but sometimes, sometimes I feel like I just can't. Like I'm too weak. He has given me too much to carry...and now I don't have as many people to help me carry it all because of this stupid change that has spun my world.

Deep breaths.

I am thankful for a God who knows my deepest pains, wishes, and needs without me saying a word. I can give up for just a minute, letting Him comfort me because regardless of what happens here and what change comes my way, He loves me and will take care of me. This world is not my home, right?

Therapy

Therapy can come in all shapes and forms... Talking through things, an evening alone, or my personal favorite, laughter. I've written about (non-religious) fellowship before, and that is therapeutic to me. As I continue to struggle through my stresses and day to day...things, I am constantly looking for forms of therapy, ways to get out of stress. Today was one of those days where I had plenty I could be doing, but none of it pressing and I lacked any and all motivation to work on anything. So after a random proclamation, we decided to hit Chick-Fil-A. At first it was just going to be Anissa and me, then Ariel decided to join followed by Kristina and Libby. A reunion of our old suite. Sitting at a fast food restaurant, catching up on life gave me a strange flashback to last year and a fast forward to a few years when we reunite after time apart, on our own trails of life. Being with these girls is just exactly what I need sometimes. An impromptu journey to a common place and time to catch up and laugh. So much laughing... When they say laughter is the best medicine, they aren't joking. In a bad mood? Go laugh.

 

Honestly, it's really hard on me to not live with all of these girls any more... I know we're still on this tiny campus together, but it just doesn't feel right. The only time we had to catch up was at curfew, and we don't have that together any more.

I have Ariel and Anissa almost constantly, but not having Kristina and Libby creates a weird void in my life...like a part of my routine is severely lacking.

 

We get so busy, understandably, and start to miss out on each other.

 

But the thing is, with family, you can pick up right where you left off. For that, I am thankful.

 

After Chick-Fil-A, it began pouring down rain. When we got back to campus, we raced into the dorm, dripping with rain.

"I kind of want to play in the rain...you know, jump in puddles...and continue to not do any schoolwork." I said.

"Let's do it!" Anissa encouraged. I changed clothes, and away we went, with Ariel taking pictures from our window.

 

There are times when you have to take a break from being an adult. When you set down responsibility and go play in the rain. Run, dance, sing, squeal, jump in puddles. All of it. Therapy.

 

Childhood is something to learn from, and I refuse to fully give up being a kid. Sometimes, I will ignore what I should do...and do what I want. Put it off to let go for just one afternoon. Life is too short to not take advantage of chicken and puddle jumping.

 

 

I just want to own a bicycle and ride it through fall leaves..

Weird title, I know.

But that's how I feel. Like I just want to hop on a bike and take a strolling ride through Tennessee fall, escape from everything.

It's so easy to feel like life is spiraling out of control, away from our grasp. As if this is the time you wont be able to get it back, it is just too far gone. You don't even realize things are spinning until you get so dizzy you fall down and are too disoriented to make a recovery.

I'd say college is a pretty common catalyst for such a feeling, and understandably so. But that certainly doesn't make it any easier to muddle through.

I have been experiencing some health implications I never expected and have never dealt with before. I've been trying to relearn my body and how much I can handle at once and how to remedy  the over exposure. When you slip so deep into a place of confusion, worry, and terror it's hard to remember how lucky you are. And it's so strange how, after weeks of feeling off kilter and just kind of blah, you can suddenly feel every emotion in the book...left gasping for air and grappling for the words to express your current state. You want to cry, scream, laugh, smile, dance, die. And then you are hit with a presence so heavy it cannot be shaken, and that is of an amazing God. Who is there to pick you up off the floor after you've fallen, dizzy from that whirlwind called life that swept you up and tossed you mercilessly.  Your body goes limp and even though you are all alone, it feels like you're in the best most comforting hug of your life. He holds you even when you can stand on your own...and he's there as soon as you fall. A doting father, kissing boo-boos and bandaging scrapped knees because you are His child and He does not want you to feel pain.

Even through His love and support, things are hard. They happen fast and you don't know how to handle them and feel like just giving up. That's why He sends people into your life who are filling to pick up your life and carry it for you, or teach you how.

And as you finally feel as though you are figuring things out, your mind shifts from yourself and what's going wrong to how He can make things right. You begin to feel the pain of others and your position shifts...now you can help others carry their burdens. Teach them to walk on their own, so that they can do the same for another. But sometimes the process is slow...and it's hard to realize it's happening.

God knows our struggles, but that doesn't mean we don't have to pray to Him. If anything, we should pray even more. For understanding, strength, higher compassion and even more, thank Him for what and who has been put in your life.

Sometimes things just suck, plain and simple. Your body gives up, your mind gives up...but your God never even considers it. He convinces your mind to convince your body that this war is worth the fight and you return to the battlefield, wounded but determined.

Every experience has the opportunity to bring us closer to God if we let it. I've chosen to see how I need to love deeper, pray with more heart... remember I am never alone and I am loved more than my mortal mind could ever possibly imagine. That when I just cannot take a single thing more, to hand something on my plate to someone else.

God knew what He was doing when He created more than one person on this earth. What kind of story would life be if it only consisted of one character?

Slowly, with His support, I arise...