Sunday, March 30, 2014

Unknown Beauty

A lot of my anxiety comes from the unknown and my lack of control. Anyone who knows me beyond the surface knows I struggle with this. When I get stressed, I feel like everything is spiraling out of MY control. It feels sort of like knocking over a glass of water. You bump it and can do nothing except watch it fall to the ground, shattering in a big mess of glass and liquid. While it is unlikely my life would ever get to the glass and liquid puddle, it is hard to fight the feeling that it is going there.

Long explanation short, I typically despise the unknown. Not knowing yet still harboring expectations puts me on edge.

Right now my stress lies in the fact I have so much to do and no time to do it. I only have four weeks of classes left...yet I have 4 papers, 6 tests+3 finals, 4 tutoring sessions, 1 General Knowledge test, and 1 Education Program application to get done. On top of banquet, Ariel's Bachelorette party, Sophomore cruise, kids' play, and packing. Needless to say, I'm stretched thin right now. Things are about to change severely and I don't do change any better than I do the unknown. I have been a whirl wind lately, trying to go-go-go, do-do-do to keep up.

But today was one of those days. One of those slow as molasses, sweet as sugar sort of Sundays. I think Sundays might be my favorite right now. They remind me to stop, breathe, and pray. When things are so busy and stressful, it's easy to push the thought that God is in control on the back burner. I know that it is ultimately true and that I will make it through whatever hurdle thrown at me, yet when I am suffocating underneath a list of to-do's, focus is lost. Today, my focus was regained and I feel refreshed.

After church this morning, I ate and jumped right on my laundry or else I wouldn't be wearing pants tomorrow. I did some studying for one of my tests this week, started reading a book for a research paper, and even snuck a nap in there. I was feeling just plain good. I stepped outside, the warm sun hit my face and I was struck with a thought.

The unknown is a truly beautiful thing. Equally terrifying, but its beauty surpasses anything I have planned for my life. Just because I am unsure of future does not mean the future is unsure. God knows what's going to happen. He is always there with me, holding me when I can no longer stand. He is here to help me, not tear me down. Everything that is to happen from this moment forward is perfect. Does that mean it will all be easy and exactly what I want? Not even a little...but isn't that what is so great? God is in absolute control. I still make my choices and have a nugget of power in my path of life, but regardless of my life choices, one thing will always stay the same. I am living for Him, not for me.

 Why do I crave control when His plan is far superior than my own?

I don't know what I need. But God does. I just need to remember that in the end, what is stressing me out isn't important. I will get through my school work. I might not make the grades I want, but grades won't get me to heaven.

And just to top off a relaxing Sunday, we had a song service at church this evening. It was truly encouraging. One of those services where you just really feel it deep down. I am blessed. I have such an awesome, powerful, merciful, loving God. His hand in what is uncertain is beautiful and perfect.

Anxiety doesn't mean we are weak. It doesn't mean we don't have faith or trust in God. It means we question our own ability and those fears overcome the knowledge that God is strong and His plan for us is better than anything we can imagine.

I will be OK no matter what the unknown has written for me, Jesus is my assurance of that. How wonderful.

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