Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Learning Change

I have never been the best with dealing with change. It made it really hard to come to Florida last fall and basically create a new life. But it soon became a beautiful life full of new experiences, new family, new reasons to be thankful... So I was really excited to get back this fall.

And sadly, it has disappointed in ways I could never imagine. Things are shifted, they aren't what they were last year. We're all a year older, in harder classes, living in different dorms and now suddenly it seems we are on different worlds. Last school year, my closest friends were in my very room, or a walk across the hall... Now, those who chose to live in the other dorm barely even exist. With our schedules, it's impossible to just hang out every day like we could last year, when we congregated in the room at curfew. It feels as though my family has been chopped down to 4, with occasional visitors. Which sucks beyond suck, but it's something that I knew would happen when they decided to go to the other building.

On top of that, we have all changed in some way. And for some, not in a direction best suited for our relationship and it is obvious they are slowing drifting into another person, putting us secondary. That is hard to swallow. I have been confronted with a friendship degrading at its core... When one party gives up and stops caring, then it's very hard for me to keep giving it my all... do I quit, too? Do I let it go? Ignore it? Ignore them? Easier said than done... When you have invested a considerable amount of time and energy into a friendship, you don't want to see it crumble because you suddenly aren't "cool" enough for the other half. The beginning of the end, I guess. It just doesn't feel like it used to.

I should be studying Biology, but I don't wanna. I want to write and I want to feel better, feel empowered....I want to go back to being a little kid when life wasn't so complicated. And I want it to be Christmas. But in all reality, I just want to FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN, because I'm not a fan of the person who has taken me over the last few months...

But I should be content, right? I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't worry, because in all reality, I have no control. Not even a little. I know that God is holding me up and carrying me, leading me through it all... but sometimes, sometimes I feel like I just can't. Like I'm too weak. He has given me too much to carry...and now I don't have as many people to help me carry it all because of this stupid change that has spun my world.

Deep breaths.

I am thankful for a God who knows my deepest pains, wishes, and needs without me saying a word. I can give up for just a minute, letting Him comfort me because regardless of what happens here and what change comes my way, He loves me and will take care of me. This world is not my home, right?

Thursday, September 12, 2013


Therapy can come in all shapes and forms... Talking through things, an evening alone, or my personal favorite, laughter. I've written about (non-religious) fellowship before, and that is therapeutic to me. As I continue to struggle through my stresses and day to day...things, I am constantly looking for forms of therapy, ways to get out of stress. Today was one of those days where I had plenty I could be doing, but none of it pressing and I lacked any and all motivation to work on anything. So after a random proclamation, we decided to hit Chick-Fil-A. At first it was just going to be Anissa and me, then Ariel decided to join followed by Kristina and Libby. A reunion of our old suite. Sitting at a fast food restaurant, catching up on life gave me a strange flashback to last year and a fast forward to a few years when we reunite after time apart, on our own trails of life. Being with these girls is just exactly what I need sometimes. An impromptu journey to a common place and time to catch up and laugh. So much laughing... When they say laughter is the best medicine, they aren't joking. In a bad mood? Go laugh.

Honestly, it's really hard on me to not live with all of these girls any more... I know we're still on this tiny campus together, but it just doesn't feel right. The only time we had to catch up was at curfew, and we don't have that together any more.

I have Ariel and Anissa almost constantly, but not having Kristina and Libby creates a weird void in my a part of my routine is severely lacking.

We get so busy, understandably, and start to miss out on each other.

But the thing is, with family, you can pick up right where you left off. For that, I am thankful.

After Chick-Fil-A, it began pouring down rain. When we got back to campus, we raced into the dorm, dripping with rain.
"I kind of want to play in the know, jump in puddles...and continue to not do any schoolwork." I said.
"Let's do it!" Anissa encouraged. I changed clothes, and away we went, with Ariel taking pictures from our window.

There are times when you have to take a break from being an adult. When you set down responsibility and go play in the rain. Run, dance, sing, squeal, jump in puddles. All of it. Therapy.

Childhood is something to learn from, and I refuse to fully give up being a kid. Sometimes, I will ignore what I should do...and do what I want. Put it off to let go for just one afternoon. Life is too short to not take advantage of chicken and puddle jumping.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I just want to own a bicycle and ride it through fall leaves..

Weird title, I know.

But that's how I feel. Like I just want to hop on a bike and take a strolling ride through Tennessee fall, escape from everything.

It's so easy to feel like life is spiraling out of control, away from our grasp. As if this is the time you wont be able to get it back, it is just too far gone. You don't even realize things are spinning until you get so dizzy you fall down and are too disoriented to make a recovery.

I'd say college is a pretty common catalyst for such a feeling, and understandably so. But that certainly doesn't make it any easier to muddle through.

I have been experiencing some health implications I never expected and have never dealt with before. I've been trying to relearn my body and how much I can handle at once and how to remedy  the over exposure. When you slip so deep into a place of confusion, worry, and terror it's hard to remember how lucky you are. And it's so strange how, after weeks of feeling off kilter and just kind of blah, you can suddenly feel every emotion in the book...left gasping for air and grappling for the words to express your current state. You want to cry, scream, laugh, smile, dance, die. And then you are hit with a presence so heavy it cannot be shaken, and that is of an amazing God. Who is there to pick you up off the floor after you've fallen, dizzy from that whirlwind called life that swept you up and tossed you mercilessly.  Your body goes limp and even though you are all alone, it feels like you're in the best most comforting hug of your life. He holds you even when you can stand on your own...and he's there as soon as you fall. A doting father, kissing boo-boos and bandaging scrapped knees because you are His child and He does not want you to feel pain.

Even through His love and support, things are hard. They happen fast and you don't know how to handle them and feel like just giving up. That's why He sends people into your life who are filling to pick up your life and carry it for you, or teach you how.

And as you finally feel as though you are figuring things out, your mind shifts from yourself and what's going wrong to how He can make things right. You begin to feel the pain of others and your position you can help others carry their burdens. Teach them to walk on their own, so that they can do the same for another. But sometimes the process is slow...and it's hard to realize it's happening.

God knows our struggles, but that doesn't mean we don't have to pray to Him. If anything, we should pray even more. For understanding, strength, higher compassion and even more, thank Him for what and who has been put in your life.

Sometimes things just suck, plain and simple. Your body gives up, your mind gives up...but your God never even considers it. He convinces your mind to convince your body that this war is worth the fight and you return to the battlefield, wounded but determined.

Every experience has the opportunity to bring us closer to God if we let it. I've chosen to see how I need to love deeper, pray with more heart... remember I am never alone and I am loved more than my mortal mind could ever possibly imagine. That when I just cannot take a single thing more, to hand something on my plate to someone else.

God knew what He was doing when He created more than one person on this earth. What kind of story would life be if it only consisted of one character?

Slowly, with His support, I arise...

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