Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I just want to own a bicycle and ride it through fall leaves..

Weird title, I know.

But that's how I feel. Like I just want to hop on a bike and take a strolling ride through Tennessee fall, escape from everything.

It's so easy to feel like life is spiraling out of control, away from our grasp. As if this is the time you wont be able to get it back, it is just too far gone. You don't even realize things are spinning until you get so dizzy you fall down and are too disoriented to make a recovery.

I'd say college is a pretty common catalyst for such a feeling, and understandably so. But that certainly doesn't make it any easier to muddle through.

I have been experiencing some health implications I never expected and have never dealt with before. I've been trying to relearn my body and how much I can handle at once and how to remedy  the over exposure. When you slip so deep into a place of confusion, worry, and terror it's hard to remember how lucky you are. And it's so strange how, after weeks of feeling off kilter and just kind of blah, you can suddenly feel every emotion in the book...left gasping for air and grappling for the words to express your current state. You want to cry, scream, laugh, smile, dance, die. And then you are hit with a presence so heavy it cannot be shaken, and that is of an amazing God. Who is there to pick you up off the floor after you've fallen, dizzy from that whirlwind called life that swept you up and tossed you mercilessly.  Your body goes limp and even though you are all alone, it feels like you're in the best most comforting hug of your life. He holds you even when you can stand on your own...and he's there as soon as you fall. A doting father, kissing boo-boos and bandaging scrapped knees because you are His child and He does not want you to feel pain.

Even through His love and support, things are hard. They happen fast and you don't know how to handle them and feel like just giving up. That's why He sends people into your life who are filling to pick up your life and carry it for you, or teach you how.

And as you finally feel as though you are figuring things out, your mind shifts from yourself and what's going wrong to how He can make things right. You begin to feel the pain of others and your position you can help others carry their burdens. Teach them to walk on their own, so that they can do the same for another. But sometimes the process is slow...and it's hard to realize it's happening.

God knows our struggles, but that doesn't mean we don't have to pray to Him. If anything, we should pray even more. For understanding, strength, higher compassion and even more, thank Him for what and who has been put in your life.

Sometimes things just suck, plain and simple. Your body gives up, your mind gives up...but your God never even considers it. He convinces your mind to convince your body that this war is worth the fight and you return to the battlefield, wounded but determined.

Every experience has the opportunity to bring us closer to God if we let it. I've chosen to see how I need to love deeper, pray with more heart... remember I am never alone and I am loved more than my mortal mind could ever possibly imagine. That when I just cannot take a single thing more, to hand something on my plate to someone else.

God knew what He was doing when He created more than one person on this earth. What kind of story would life be if it only consisted of one character?

Slowly, with His support, I arise...

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