Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Learning Change

I have never been the best with dealing with change. It made it really hard to come to Florida last fall and basically create a new life. But it soon became a beautiful life full of new experiences, new family, new reasons to be thankful... So I was really excited to get back this fall.

And sadly, it has disappointed in ways I could never imagine. Things are shifted, they aren't what they were last year. We're all a year older, in harder classes, living in different dorms and now suddenly it seems we are on different worlds. Last school year, my closest friends were in my very room, or a walk across the hall... Now, those who chose to live in the other dorm barely even exist. With our schedules, it's impossible to just hang out every day like we could last year, when we congregated in the room at curfew. It feels as though my family has been chopped down to 4, with occasional visitors. Which sucks beyond suck, but it's something that I knew would happen when they decided to go to the other building.

On top of that, we have all changed in some way. And for some, not in a direction best suited for our relationship and it is obvious they are slowing drifting into another person, putting us secondary. That is hard to swallow. I have been confronted with a friendship degrading at its core... When one party gives up and stops caring, then it's very hard for me to keep giving it my all... do I quit, too? Do I let it go? Ignore it? Ignore them? Easier said than done... When you have invested a considerable amount of time and energy into a friendship, you don't want to see it crumble because you suddenly aren't "cool" enough for the other half. The beginning of the end, I guess. It just doesn't feel like it used to.

I should be studying Biology, but I don't wanna. I want to write and I want to feel better, feel empowered....I want to go back to being a little kid when life wasn't so complicated. And I want it to be Christmas. But in all reality, I just want to FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN, because I'm not a fan of the person who has taken me over the last few months...

But I should be content, right? I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't worry, because in all reality, I have no control. Not even a little. I know that God is holding me up and carrying me, leading me through it all... but sometimes, sometimes I feel like I just can't. Like I'm too weak. He has given me too much to carry...and now I don't have as many people to help me carry it all because of this stupid change that has spun my world.

Deep breaths.

I am thankful for a God who knows my deepest pains, wishes, and needs without me saying a word. I can give up for just a minute, letting Him comfort me because regardless of what happens here and what change comes my way, He loves me and will take care of me. This world is not my home, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Popular Posts