Sunday, October 6, 2013

Peeking Over the Ledge

No...things are not nearly the same this year. People and feelings have changed. I have changed. Things are harder...

While I am still very confused about some things and debating a lot...arguing with myself, really, I felt a new change today. A change within myself. I have been unable to find my positivity for the last 2 months. I had lost the Erin that could find good in everything, and I was afraid she would never come back. Today was the first day in a long time I did not have the overwhelming desire to be locked in my room away from everyone. It was the first time I felt hopeful of something regardless of the issues I still face. Do you know what it feels like to be so incredibly hopeless? Like nothing will get better and it will all obviously continue to get worse? I've been in that place That terrible, terrible place for months.

Last year, I was consumed by an awe of "I can't believe I am here! And with these people who I love and feel like I've known my entire life!" It was easy to see the light in all situations.

This year, I feel like I returned missing my limbs. "Just keep breathing...just get through." What a terrible feeling to wake up every day and convince yourself you just have to scrape by, make it until you could go to sleep again, because sleep (when you could get it) was the only way to really escape. Getting through is no way to live. I want to enjoy, not just breathe!

I'm still not there yet. I haven't climbed back to the top, but I think I was able to peek over the ledge just a little bit today. I could see a sliver of light in my dark. Will it last? I cannot say...but I hope so. It's exhausting to not be yourself.

But I feel my fire coming back... my passion for life is making a come back. I'm getting there. I can see over the ledge, and the world on that side? Covered in flowers and fall leaves.

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