Thursday, August 29, 2013

The Art and Comfort of Fellowship

When one hears the word fellowship, I would assume the immediate thought would be to something religious, which is probably how it is used for the most part. Like, brothers and sisters in Christ come together in fellowship to worship. But it can be used in ways disconnected from religion... I consider anytime you come together with the people who mean the most to you, and feel renewed, suddenly enlightened by life and ready to begin again, well, that is fellowship. It is to be suddenly hit with the feeling of how thankful you are...when you are having a horrible horrible day and those people lift you up and remind you why it is so much better to be happy. They show you how to let things roll off, they carry your burdens on their shoulders just to see you get relief. They hold your hand and look right in your eyes and tell you the truth, even if the truth is really the last thing you want to hear. When you are folded within the group you feel at home with...almost more than you do at your actual home.

Pulling each other through, enjoying each other, enjoying it all...
What a great thing fellowship is... How does anyone get by without it?

I have been beyond blessed with the people in my life. My high school friends, who still remain important to me and hold a special nook in my heart gave me fellowship for the years that shaped my very being. And now, my college friends continue to carry me around and keep me stable.

This past week has been wonderful in a sense and terrible in another. My emotions have been on the extreme side of whatever they may be...mad=furious, sad=depressed, happy=over the top, but with a harder fall...and I just haven't been able to balance myself. (Thanks, PCOS. ) Every little thing has, somehow, been a personal attack on me in my crazy mind full of unbalanced hormones bouncing around like a sugar high child in a bouncy castle... For those of you who don't understand (because I know there are many), having a good, normal day is like trying to climb up a steep hill made of loose gravel using only your hands. It's hard. It's a forced effort... and I'm getting tired.

So right now, fellowship is what is keeping me afloat. It reminds me of what  I have and who I have, and I love that. 

Sometimes, a night out getting ice cream and jamming with the girls is what I need to bring myself up to the top of that gravel mountain. It doesn't mean I wont fall back down, but I made it for a little while. And at this point if is just so refreshing to feel happy and carefree for even a little while.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Stream of Consciousness

There is a word tornado in my head right now, swirling and twirling in a terrifying yet somewhat graceful funnel crumpling the structures of my thoughts like it's no big deal. Like it has no feelings for the things it is affecting.
This happens to me far too much, if you ask me. I suddenly feel discontented, unable to focus on a singular task or topic. So much is happening in such little time, my emotions on it all are lost in the jumble and I don't know whether I should be laughing or crying or screaming or jumping with glee... It's extremely frustrating... Is this a woman thing? I dunno.
I leave for school in exactly 2 days now, and while I am beyond thrilled to see people there, I am sad to leave people here. I am excited to get on with my degree, but terrified that the real world is coming so fast.
When did I get to be this old?
Wasn't THIS yesterday? Or at least the day before... Maybe last week?
But no...that was about 15 years ago. WHHHA?
So I sit here and I hold my breathe hoping that maybe if I wish hard enough, I will be able to freeze time for just a second... To take an extra breathe. To smile a little longer. To pray a little harder. To savor the day, the moment I am currently living.
I don't know how to be happy when so many things are happening at once.
And then, while I'm digesting this whole growing up/school thing on top of other personal struggles, I am suddenly in dire need to know what my purpose is in life.
Uhm...can't this wait? I ask my brain.
No...this is very important. Just as important as everything that is happening RIGHT NOW. Why would you ever ask such a question!!?! It replies, scoffing at my obvious ignorance.
If I had a good brick wall near, I could guarantee my head would meet it few times in hope of a solution.
Can I just stop life right now and move to a tree house nestled with the branches of a willow tree that is made of books and supplies never ending cups of hot tea? Can I wear whimsical lace dresses and have perfect curly hair adorned with sweet little bows? Can I have the perfect view of the countryside from one angle and the big city from the other? Can I be friends with the animals (because they don't cause as many problems as humans, let's face it.)? Can I dance and sing and fall into the grass every evening and just relish in the beauty of the world and the dreamland I reside as I count the stars?
I came across the quote "You will find it necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy." And I understand it so deeply. I wish I could drop everything. All of it. Every worry, every thought, and just be. It is much easier said than done to empty one's mind. I try to do so with prayer, but that's always when my thoughts decide they clearly need Ritalin, but they can't stay still...and it makes my discontent, my nervousness, even worse. I'm pretty sure it should be opposite... So most of my prayers lately haven't been in words, but simply feelings... yearnings, desires, thanksgiving that I just cannot express.
...and now I'm out of comprehendible words and this is hardly a stream of consciousness at all.
Alright... I'm gonna go to my imaginary place for a while and try to make sense of my life. Wish me luck!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Hellos Always Start with Good Bye

It's that time again. This summer seriously flew by.... Shouldn't it still be June? What's going on here? It's no joke when people say the older you get the faster time goes, and honestly, that kind of sucks. I've certainly learned not to wish away any part of my life. Once a moment ends, there's really no going back.

I survived, and even thrived, my first year of college. This time last year I was basically in tears or close to it 24/7, fearing the change, the move, the...well, responsibility. It's scary to suddenly be in charge of yourself, to be an adult. I spent 18 years at home, and then one day it was time for me to go. I made the decision to go to Florida, but that didn't make the good byes any easier. Even though I am pretty excited to get back to my college life and the family I have created there, I will still probably cry when I say good bye to my TN friends and family. But this time, there's a little nugget of comfort in the back of my head reminding me what I am going back to and that we've made it through this separation before and we can all do it again.

I still can't quite process that I'm a sophomore in college. Only 3 years left until I get my degree and can begin teaching. Time snuck up on me... I've been working towards becoming a teacher since I was 6 years old. Now, out of nowhere, I'm 19 and I'm working my  butt of to get there. Crazy. My younger friends are now going through what I experienced last fall as they prepare to go on to this step of life. I know it is hard for them, and I certainly pray for their comfort and success.

This was a pretty good summer. Kind of boring, but I needed the break after spring semester. I got some work in, some friend time and parties in, lots of naps. Overall, it was a success. And having my FL friends visit throughout made our separation easier.

 Birthday visit from Ariel

Great Gatsby birthday celebration

Sounds game for Dad's father's day gift



Nick's birthday

Libby's surprise visit

Shopping days
Photo shoot with Mom
Repainting of my room...

Sarah's visit for Into the Woods
Garrett's visit for Into the Woods
My gift for Kristina

Emma's visit for Into the Woods
And now...we do it again! 












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