Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Bad Side

I think it sometimes comes across (to those other than the ones I am with all the time, at least) that I am always happy...that I try to find the good in everything. Which is true, I do try to find sometihng good in every situation because that's what I've learned I have to do to survive.

But sometimes, I get sad for no real reason.
It comes out of nowhere, is uncontrollable and the length of stay and severity is different each time.
I try not to say anything or act any different...we all have our sad if maybe someone notices something and asks if I'm ok, I choke out an "I'm fine." and carry on. Because what else can we do but carry on?

Sometimes, though, the unexplainable pain is too much and the thoughts that come with it rage like a fire constantly being fueled with gasoline.
Thoughts of my every flaw, making me hate myself little by little until I can't take it and the tears appear out of no where, so I do my best to swallow them until I can run away. Problem here is...there isn't really anywhere I can run. Someone is always there and I don't want to burden them with my problems of thinking I'm just not good enough and nothing is going right.

Usually I can fight off the thoughts and emotions that saunter into my soul holding hands like it's no big deal if I keep busy. After a long day of classes and work, though, there is nothing stopping them. They pick up their weapons and they bash every bit of me, crushing me from the inside out.

Maybe I should talk to someone, but I can't seem to form the words "Oh, it's just one of those days where I really hate everything about myself and my life and can't seem to find good in anything..."

Tonight at dinner, the feelings came back and I found myself holding back tears with all that I had, but beginning to fail. So I left and headed back to the dorms, promising myself I can cry as soon as I get back to my room. I could collapse on my bad and finally call out in pain like I have needed to do for the past few days. But when I got to my room, my bed was gone. Everything was gone, actually... my roommates had taken all of my stuff to Sutton as a prank, so I fell on Kristina's bed and let my guard down, ruining the video they attempted to take of my reaction...

I heard the click of the door from Libby and Anissa's room, so I jumped up and rinsed off my face in attempts to wash away any signs of my breakdown. But as soon as Ariel entered the room, I just couldn't do it... I couldn't beat off the demons. I just forced myself into her embrace and cried.

After moving my things back to my room with the help of Ariel, Sarah and Hannah and trying to not cry in front of everyone in Hinley, I went into Anissa's room where Ariel was.
I asked her to lie in bed with me and for half an hour she just scratched my back and was there...not asking questions or even really talking... just being there.
I kept telling myself "She loves friends love me...I am valuable. I have no reason to hate myself..." and for a time, it helped.
She got up to leave...and half of me wanted to scream "Please don't leave me alone...", but the other half, the one that always seems to win argued, "No. Let her go...don't be selfish. This is why you try not to let people see this side of you." Really, though, I don't know if she can understand how much that meant to me. For her to just be there...

So, yes, while I would overall describe myself as happy and optimistic, I do have days where I cannot stand who I am. Where I feel so alone and empty and worthless that sometimes it is struggle to convince myself it will be worth it to get out of bed. But those days are not the majority, and I know I have people who can get my mind off of it.
So for now, I will go on and pretend the feelings don't exist. I will argue with myself and fight it.

But now, I have to go put my stuff back where it belongs...and maybe wash my sheets. I don't trust the cleanliness of upstairs Sutton.

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