Thursday, April 4, 2013

A Little Bit of Rain

It is 9:03. I should be doing math homework. Or studying psychology. Or...doing something more productive. But right now, nothing seems more soothing than writing. Writing whatever I think of just because I haven't in a long long time. (and here are some pictures from our girls' beach day)

This morning, the first thing I thought when I woke up was "I hope it rains today." I rolled over to see gray light through the slits in the blinds and smiled as I shifted to my back and stretched that beautiful shoulder cracking stretch that seems to pull my body into the state of action for the day. I have been pretty down this past week or so for various reasons. One reason being I have become so overwhlemed with my neverending overly predictable schedule. I get up and go to class (or, on Thursdays, tutor, then go to class) until I go to work which I don't get off of until 6. I come back to campus, eat dinner, do homework  (or avoid homework...) and try to go to bed as early as possible because by nighttime I'm beat. Add trying to dump this stupid college weight by working out nearly every evening (which hasn't been working...) and I'm going stir crazy by the weekend, craving a break, a good nap, one freaking cup of tea in a room by myself.

 At some point in the day, every day for the past two weeks, I've thought about how badly it sucks I have to work so much. That I have to work 10 hours a week so I can stay at this school that, while it is exactly where I need to be, is so far away from home it hurts sometimes. Because if I were home and this tired of this schedule, I could be healed by a good cuddle and tug of war game with my dog or a good target practice session with my pretty little revolver. Here, I've gotten so lost in routine, it seems like I have no outlet and no escape. I've lost the key to my own life and have managed to lock myself in. I think about how I wish I didn't have to work, that my dad could just give me money and I could comfortably float my way through college. I had begun to take my displeasure and hurt feelings out on my kids at work. I started to give up because I just didn't feel it. I was doing things, disciplining in ways that I told myself I would NEVER do. And it didn't weigh on my conscience because I was too distracted by this world of Me.

But today, I wished for rain. Because these past weeks have been so sunny while I've felt so dreary inside, and I knew that I had to turn my attitude around...negativity is no way to approach this life and these opportunities God has blessed me with, and rain would be the motivation to do just that. It's kind of like how every now and then you purposefully don't make your bed because it's more comfortable that way because it feels lived in. It isn't what you usually want. In fact, it's what you really don't want. But then one particularly stressful day, you rip the sheets into a mad wad, crawl within it and set up camp because it feels close and homey. And because it's a reminder that everything doesn't have to perfect. That when you get overwhelmed, you just have to accept that your room isn't always going to be spic and span. Occasionally (or, for me pretty much always) your clean laundry will sit in the hamper for a week of two (or 3...) and get all wrinkled because you don't have the time or motivation to put it away. That you might just have to make a B on a paper for the sake of your sanity.

So today, when I looked outside and saw the clouds and the blue-gray sky, I felt like I could conquor the world. Not only conquor it, but change it. And while I would have perferred to stay inside, watching movies and outlining my blue print for world peace, I went on to chapel, to class, and to work. I felt pleasantly uplifted and went into work grateful for the excitment the kids show when I walk through that door. Arms flinging open for hugs with gleeful cheers of "Miss Erin!" (I'm seriously not making this up...). I contained extra patience and somehow knew exactly how to explain things to the kids during homework time. I even disciplined more efficiently and put away the finger wagging (good grief...finger wagging? I want to slap myself for ever pulling that one out...) and got my message across. I even broke the rules and talked to the kids when they weren't supposed to be talking because I just wanted to hear what they had to say and took the rap when they were scolded.

And now, here I am, writing, and I feel worlds better. I do believe this will need to become a habit to keep my mind in the right place.

Sometimes, you get discouraged in life...but no matter why you are discouraged, you cannot let it take over or it will just grow bigger and bigger until it is uncontrolable. Kind of like that giant heartless at the end of the first level of Kingdom Hearts.

Ok. My rant is over. My world is sunny again, so the world itself is allowed to  be, too.

Signing out,

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