Thursday, September 27, 2012

Restless Thinking

I've been here for one month and 10 days. And I'm pretty proud to say, I've just started to get homesick. Don't get me wrong, I've missed my family and friends since the day I left, and this new place does feel like home. But it's funny how when something of the slightest nature throws you off course and you get upset or stressed, all you want is familiarity, or that sense of comfort you've always known. (I say you as if everyone feels the same way. It's possible, no, it's fact that we don't. But...this is how I feel, so roll with it). When I was at home and something was a little off, I experienced a disappointment, I spilled my heart to my dog, Badge. And Kristina always makes fun of me for how much I love my dog, but my life is so much easier with him. I can talk and he just listens. He lays his head on my leg and looks me in the eye when I talk to him. He doesn't judge, doesn't offer up advice, he just listens. And sometimes I need that. A cuddly thing to love and talk to who loves me back and listens like he cares.
(Now prepare to be plagued with pictures of my canine psychiatrist)

He's such a goober.
I'm not going to talk only about my dog, here. I promise. He's just a lead in.

I'm generally a positive person. While people (*cough* Mrs. Williams *cough*) joke that I am negative, but seriously. Overall, I really try to see the good in the bad and make the most out of situations. I get up, and even if I don't feel tip top, I tell myself it will be a good day and I will be happy, is. and I am. So, yeah, I'm a positive person. But by being so positive, and often forcing positivity upon myself, sometimes I just get so overwhelmed out of no where and have a little break down. My mind is flooded by thoughts of all of the unpleasant or "unfair" times in life, my thoughts are scattered and...angry. I feel so RESTLESS. I just want to scream and cry and punch things. And generally it all comes out in a big ball of...tears. I came in from a study session to see my dad got online, so I Skyped him. It was so nice to actually see him, and even my mom for a few minutes. It cheered me up. Until I hung up. Then I just cried. And wished so badly I could just go home for a little while. Hug my dad. Hug my dog. Sleep in my bed. Eat my Mimi's food. But I can't, and it felt like a big punch to the gut. These aren't really feelings I know how to get out to another human, and because Badge isn't here and the squirrels around campus aren't great listeners, I keep it in. I just let it grow. Honestly, I did cry when I hung up...but not for long, because everyone else in my suit would be coming in because of curfew, and as much as I cry, you'd think I'd be used to people seeing me cry, but I'm still not comfortable with it. Actually, I think it may be I don't like explaining why I am crying. I am POSITIVE. I don't let this stuff bring me down! But I do. I secretly feel awful inside. At least right now...for the past week-ish. I know it will pass, but in the meantime, I just want some okra and good cuddle with my dog! Is that too much to ask?

A few days from now I'll be OK. But this hasn't been the easiest week of my life, and there's really no point...and I'm getting awful dark circles from not going to bed until after 12 and crying or holding back crying...
Thanks for letting me rant.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified; do not be dismayed. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9




I miss these people something awful.

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